my thoughts were grasped this morning by this quote from the bible....i am lifting it very out of context, but it stands alone in erudite poignant beauty....
"More tortuous than all else is the human heart,
beyond remedy;
who can understand it?"
Jeremiah 17:9
there are other translations ...but this is the one that landed in my soul.
it goes on to say:
"i, the Lord search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct
according to what their deeds deserve."
i'm going to let that second part go for today...but just for the sake of the entirety of thought, i do want to comment, that i do not see that as admonishing nor threatening, but rather the pronouncement of God's omnipotence, and omniscience in our lives...and i actually perceive that as a good thing...
because if we are not fully known and fully understood by our Creator...who will fully know and understand us? there are so many impediments in the evolutionary aspects of essence that impedes even our full knowing of ourselves. it is of comfort to me...that Someone....does!....
but to return to the realities of the torturous quality of the human heart...
it does feel beyond remedy a lot of the time to me...i don't understand my own heart or anyone's ...and don't presume to. i doubt my own self more than i doubt any other.
i grapple, and sort, and process, and examine...
overthink....withhold expressions of my feelings...attach and fail to detach...mitigate my pathologies with salve that improves my perception of how things feel upon my mortal flesh...but are essentially no more than a sticky mess to remove when they are no longer effective.
i reach for a higher plane, or try to most of the time...my "higher self"...but i land crashing too often without warning...in an alice down the rabbit hole sort of fashion. not really understanding how i arrived flat on my ass in some strange space, and no idea how to extracate myself from it...
so i search. i go thru the looking glass....and try to cope with the world i see before me. the answers that are riddles....the strange creatures and the confusing things they say....the signs that only confuse me more...i lean this way...and that way........i'm lost at this point in trying to understand myself to make way thru my situation with any amount of grace or ease.
this is the present tortuous state of my human heart. i'm overcome by it presently. i carry on. but every breath is a battle some moments. what are my lessons? i am not a creature knitted to "let go"....i don't even know what that means, or would feel like. i search for clarity...for the way out..or through..i don't care...i just don't want to be in this space any longer .
not to depend too much on the five books of moses today....but for illustration .....i will share one of my favorite stories, which is the one of hagar in the desert. if you know me at all in real life i have used this at least once in explaining my life experience to you...because it is to universal in it's application to those of us who wander.....lost at any particular moment, or not....
hagar has been banished from her home, and her protection under abraham, with her son ishmael, because sara has now born issac, and it no longer seems to suit her that her own idea to have her husband bring forth a child with another woman was a workable concept. circumstances have changed. feelings and emotions have shifted. she is no longer wanted. in fact, she is completely shunned. her life is never to be the same. this season is completed . she has played her part and she is summarily dismissed .
so hagar and young ishmael are sent off into the desert...just the two of them. can you imagine? the heat, the dust, the complete desolation....the rejection, confusion....it's own sort of "rabbit hole"...in every sense. she hungers for release from her wandering. they are thirsty, they are dirty...they are completely exhausted and feeling hopeless. she cries out for an answer ....for an oasis...her precious son on the verge of death from the harsh elements they have endured....and she looks as far into the future as she might...and there is no illumination to the end of her suffering sojourn. she just wants the pain to end...but how? she's doing all she can. she is trudging alone every day trying to make headway on her journey to arrive ...somewhere...anywhere...but it is endless. her son is crying. she begs the Almighty for release...for a sign....
and then...finally...there it is. an angel appears. the angel explains hagar need not be afraid. God has heard her prayers....there is a blessing about to be bestowed . and then ...in an instant...there is the water. the oasis....and they are saved. they are released to proceed upon their lives as destined.
and Hagar is remind by the angel...that the release from agony was actually always in her view...but she simply could not see it.
i have been to the down the rabbit hole and into the desert several significant times in my life. each time...i am no different than hagar. i want an answer. i want my problem solved. i want release. i want to just know what release really is...and how to feel it...experience it..own it.....but it waxes elusive. i am presently in such a place. of self recriminations and conundrums....of living my life like Benjamin Button ...living it backwards...trying to get it right. trying to go backwards and see. trying too hard sometimes. it's exhausting and colossally discouraging. it's like continuing to solve rubics cube when you're color blind.
but "you can't hurry love"...sometimes the striving to carry on another footstep is the lesson.....and sometimes the only lesson is patience and working toward a general sort of personal growth. sometimes God's timing, which is perfect....is something we want to rush. we will see and release our suffering... when we have the eyes. when we have the eyes the vail will lift....and our relief will come in splashes of sweet water upon our lips and into our parched mouths. i believe this. i see this. i draw this oasis to myself today...and prayers for you to do so in your heart's tortures.......as well. <3
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Saturday, July 1, 2017
the wrong sort of fireworks...
i love 4th of july. you can read in my early blog a few years ago as to tell you part of why.
i love the fireworks most of all, traditionally speaking. but this year, i see them nearly every day flying from the white house, and they are of completely the wrong sort.
"independence day"...in our country, has been important to my family for all my life. all 4 of my grandparents came here to flee oppression and religious discrimination. every male in my family just short of this generation served in the armed services, and were proud and strong in it's mission. it was a time to enjoy the meaning of day, the festivities, and feel especially grateful to be an American. this year...it's incredibly bitter sweet. and this is my only political post of any sort until the holiday is past...but here it is....
it's impossible to enjoy all i ever have previously about this national holiday given the current "so called" "leadership" in our country. if no other abomination had been present, just the last few days of behavior from the white house, in all it's various forms via representatives, surrogates, and the inhabitant of the oval office himself, it would have been enough to grieve my heart.
not that in any way any of us should be surprised...given the gross demonstrations of his lack of good character, dignity, and discernment since the campaign began several years ago. and yet....we are. i think one of the most difficult experiences has been to see good and otherwise decent people, emerge as those who are either willing to remain silent about it, or secretly, and often not so secretly, actually endorse and support the vicious rhetoric and the shameless fascist propaganda that is promulgated on a nearly daily basis from this president and his surrogates. it is a peculiar and deeply disturbing phenomena to see it so embraced as "truth" by so many people i know and so many more i do not know. i truly never...thought i would see this ...here. ever.
i am somewhat encouraged that at least finally, members of the republican party are joining the outcry, and are speaking out to admonish the white house for the manner in which #45 is using the social media platform "twitter"....but it is too little too late to say the least!
until this last election, i was a republican since i was 18 years old, very involved in politics to a fairly high level on occasion, and a more or less conservative one at that. that said, in the last decade, my affiliation has waned. as i have emereged thru my life journey i have found incompatible phiolosphies. i have always supported feminist issues, although i am "right to life"....that value has always extended to the entire span of life, not just birth. i have compassion and feel a duty to serve and care for the "poor"....be it in economics, spirit, or any other way. i have a heart for refugees. i think black lives matter, and i am in favor of marriage equality. nonetheless, the republican party was my party of choice until their choices, specifically in this last election go round, become so abhorant, i could not longer support them at all.
so .....having said that, you can see why it saddens me to see and hear what they have become in the last two years. a party of the bully.....the sanctimonious self righteoussness, and compliant, by their overall silence , to the behavior and dictates of the current executive administaion of this county.
nothing....truly...nothing....will change for the better until the republican legislators currently serving, stand up strong and tall and united and say....they will NOT support any legislation important to this administration, including of the surreptitious agendas of some of the advisors, cabinet members etc, and republican party leadership states emphatically they will NOT allow their party to nominate this incumbent president for 2020 re-election, unless he ceases and desists immediately his deprecations and behaviors unacceptable to the office he holds.
the fact his supporters continue to support him...and even endorse his vitriol, has gotten to a point where i am so deeply grieved by their destructive and unilateral support of him, i cannot even maintain anything more than superficial friendships with anyone who condones this run amok and disgracefully behaving administration.
let #45 run apart from the republican party. let him form his own party. whatever. but for the sake of the mercy of heaven....please....do not allow this sort of conduct nor 45 personally, to become any more normalized in our country than he already is. it is time to stand strong republicans!!!! you are not accomplishing anything worthwhile legislatively, no matter!
the anathema of this presidency thus far, to all who have any shred of decency and dignity....must be proclaimed, and it must be rejected and summarily shunned because soon...we will all be lost to the destruction of our beloved country and our mission in the world....and it will be far, far.... too late for the redemption of all that we have ever been that is good and decent as a country. we need to reclaim to shine for each of our citizens...and also be a country who shines in the world. although we utilized them specifically on the 4th of july, as spoken of in our national anthem, as symbols of the fight that ensued to be free.....in our world today, "fireworks" on our shores, should shed only light....not destruction.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
unworthy opponents
a wonderful therapist i worked with a number of years ago gave me some excellent advice as i was dealing with someone who was a profoundly negative influence in my life. he said it was folly and so harmful to create one person or situation to be the embodiment of all that was wrong with one's life circumstance. that the power to seek a path thru that, while still acknowledging the pain involved, was a far more healthy and better outcome choice. he pointed out i had other things to "fix", than to be totally fixated on this person, allowing them to rob me of my enjoyment of life and growing my ability to make healthy choices was to give them a power far more than they deserved, and to my great detriment. he was so right, because at the cost of great pain , i emptied my life of that person and severed our bond. and now they don't even exist on the planet, and yet who i was within that....how i behaved within that...still remains with me as does the influence of time wasted paralyzed by fear and hopelessness as an anvil upon my soul.
this , an important lesson i was reminded of today as i considered this circumstance in our nation right now, and the pivotal players on the world stage right now...and our collective reaction to them. so many of us, and no one more obnoxiously so than i, have placed so much of our feelings about life and our future with the election of one or another of these candidates.
trump is this...clinton is that...the passion we feel, the frustration and anger and fear we allow to reside within us of the impact the election of one or the other of them would have on our very lives...the lives of our children and grandchildren present or yet to be...the very survival of our nation as we have known it...as our forefaters intended it to be ..or not. it's brutal stuff...it's devastating to have so much hinge on who will be our President in 2016. they are unworthy for such ultimate power.
even despots such as stalin, hitler, and the like, earthly resident evil....as we saw in them...see now in all radical hateful behavior... ....were not so influential in an of themselves, as were the power they harnessed through their followers and the banner carries of their philosophy and their will.
my therapist was so right....it is folly to attribute to, and ransom our future to, the fear of what might be by the election of one or another individual. will they have influence....?
yes. will their impact possibly be substantial?..yes. but what we forget it that either one of them could drop off the face of the earth tomorrow, and we are still who and what we have been, are, and are yet to be, as an individual and as a nation. we still have other things within our lives for which to rejoice and also to "fix" within this journey. as an old song by kenny loggins states..."you make the choice in how it goes"...and we do.
no matter who is elected president , it is likely the world will not change so much that you will no longer recognize our nation..life as we know it will be relatively unchanged. our constitution will not be completely dismantled, our choices will not feel instantly limited, our legal weapons will not be immediately confiscated, and hopefully families will not be ripped apart by immediate inhumane, deportations...and hearing "may the odds be ever in your favor" is likely not eminent. judges will not reign with decisions unconstrained. I'm not indulging in naivety...it just isn't the complete belly flop into entropy that our mass hysteria has perpetrated.
most of us all still each have a conscience....we can stem any destructive tide. we will still each house our passions and govern what is sacrosanct to us. we still will have our families...our memories and experiences with love and those we love now in our lives. God will still be in His Heaven.....( to me, at least...this is the most important aspect of all)
the true gifts of our lives and our country are not embodied in one or the other of these candidates. only our fear, and the suspicion and discord and pure paranoia it can breed...will impede us from a happy fulfilling future no matter who wins this election this time. it is not a good choice, to give the power of the content and context of our lives, to either candidate. they are not worthy. no single person is. we have other matters which to attend in our lives...other things to "fix"....to address as part of our unique personal set of lessons....and we do have a choice...of how it goes.
the best parts of us...can triumph no matter who or what. the true imperative, is that we cannot ever give that power away. <3
Thursday, June 18, 2015
a wandering ....
hardly Pulitzer Prize
potential ..;) ....nonetheless ....the start of a story ? or a poem complete unto itself ..not sure ...but it spoke itself into my
mind and I had to write it down...... somewhere :)❤️
knowing, within concept she could look to no one else
potential ..;) ....nonetheless ....the start of a story ? or a poem complete unto itself ..not sure ...but it spoke itself into my
mind and I had to write it down...... somewhere :)❤️
knowing, within concept she could look to no one else
who could be held more accountable than herself...she peered over the cliff. terrified of heights , yet in faith that she would
not fall by accident .... she, with great resistance, hesitancy and fear, ...stepped forward. she sighted ascending sky lanterns aglow with miracles, attached to ribbons of courage..and knowing there was no other direction to go but to reach for one ..stepped forward and submitted to a free fall into her circumstance.....
Friday, July 11, 2014
beggars and choosers.....
....I was witness this afternoon to the worlds oldest profession being conducted in a local grocery store parking lot today, and it tugged on my heart with power and might . I don't mean prostitution ,which is what most of us think of when that phrase is used , but rather I saw a family begging . Wikipedia states that" begging has existed since before recorded human history", and certainly the Bible makes reference to it many times . Christ on more than one occasion encounters beggars and highlights them in his interaction amd teaching .
Today ...here they were in the center of "the bubble" as our children call it ...a woman ..a little boy..a man with a small hand written sign that says in black marker that he is out of work amd needs money for rent. The words at the end of the sign say "God bless" .
Meek,humble ,suffering...is what the name "beggar " connotes ...and those sensations struck like lightening from my eyes to my heart as I first drive by . And that's what I did..I drove by ...knowing I had some cash right beside me...and the voice of what I think most of us commonly call "reason" began its soliloquy . Are they authentic ? Is this actually a ploy to get drug money? There are programs to help these people...what is their REAL agenda? Is this even their child? Are they really even a family? I consider myself an idealist ..and some have called me gullible , but I do have a suspicious voice which resonates inside my head more often than I might care to admit ...and that part of my nature would not be stilled . I started to circle to leave the parking lot to exit ...but the hearts stings affixed to the sight tethered me back to where they stood . I knew my doubt and judgement of these people would haunt me all day if I simply drove home .
I returned to where they stood , parked my car ...quickly got out and introduced myself to them. I asked some details of their plight and their names so I could pray for them..I handed them a modest amount of legal tender ...asked what sort of work the man did. He stated he was an auto mechanic . He had lost his job lat month, rent for this month was past due . We exchanged no further details but I could sense his anger and frustration and victimization. Very heartwarming to see other citizens of the realm walk by them and hand them cash...cans of food... A drink box of juice for the little boy. We here in irvine are great at our projects and causes ...but this was the real deal ...People emerging from their infamous irvine emotional sequestering from poverty and dispair and responding in anonymity to a cry of need . I think in some ways this was the biggest blessing of all to the whole matter .
There is nothing especially good or noble about me in this experience today, and willing as I am to see and learn lessons even in writing this I feel I am more than a bit of a narcissist . the noble ones are these three beggars ...no matter the what Or why of what brought them to it today ..and might again tomorrow. Their true reasons are none of my concern . They have the servants heart ...not I . This sounds obsequious I know ..but I could not mean this more ...I had bright vibrant visions today of the less lofty parts of myself ...I say this humbled and with gratitude...
I returned to my car instantly grateful for the opportunity of a teaching moment lavished upon me. Grateful I overcame the voice of reason..for it was due to a benevolent Patient Holy Lord ...so greater than myself .that the following has flooded my awareness in the short drive home and since ....I have been to this place of desperate and nearly ready to beg for money for my family. one day about 20 years ago and even recently ..I considered standing at the 405 amd Jamboree exit ready to hand out Stephen's resume or hold my own sign imploring help with rent . and knew the unique agony and the fear of not being able to provide all I wished to for my children...even right here in 25 years of living in idyllic irvine with all the best of every opportunity having been lavished at my feet and regretfully and now, repentively, much of it squandered ..., I've had my own hidden agendas in life and love and other bonds ...I've lived through job loss ...that was due to my own errors amd deficits in character ...I've conjured surruptitious plots to advance my cause of one form or another .ive begged God and humans alike to fix things for me ...audibly or in silence .. for what I feel I want and need
feeling a great big helping on my plate held out of "woe is me" ..and yet .....no matter .....God ..The God Who Saves... has provided me with so much grace and miraculous tangible provision I am
presently living in awe of these things every hour of every day. ...and in the days to come...I need to
Reach out of myself ...no further indulgent self assessment dialectic needed ...I just need to reach out ...and allow God to use me to help more and freely.... in prayer word and deed.
Today ...here they were in the center of "the bubble" as our children call it ...a woman ..a little boy..a man with a small hand written sign that says in black marker that he is out of work amd needs money for rent. The words at the end of the sign say "God bless" .
Meek,humble ,suffering...is what the name "beggar " connotes ...and those sensations struck like lightening from my eyes to my heart as I first drive by . And that's what I did..I drove by ...knowing I had some cash right beside me...and the voice of what I think most of us commonly call "reason" began its soliloquy . Are they authentic ? Is this actually a ploy to get drug money? There are programs to help these people...what is their REAL agenda? Is this even their child? Are they really even a family? I consider myself an idealist ..and some have called me gullible , but I do have a suspicious voice which resonates inside my head more often than I might care to admit ...and that part of my nature would not be stilled . I started to circle to leave the parking lot to exit ...but the hearts stings affixed to the sight tethered me back to where they stood . I knew my doubt and judgement of these people would haunt me all day if I simply drove home .
I returned to where they stood , parked my car ...quickly got out and introduced myself to them. I asked some details of their plight and their names so I could pray for them..I handed them a modest amount of legal tender ...asked what sort of work the man did. He stated he was an auto mechanic . He had lost his job lat month, rent for this month was past due . We exchanged no further details but I could sense his anger and frustration and victimization. Very heartwarming to see other citizens of the realm walk by them and hand them cash...cans of food... A drink box of juice for the little boy. We here in irvine are great at our projects and causes ...but this was the real deal ...People emerging from their infamous irvine emotional sequestering from poverty and dispair and responding in anonymity to a cry of need . I think in some ways this was the biggest blessing of all to the whole matter .
There is nothing especially good or noble about me in this experience today, and willing as I am to see and learn lessons even in writing this I feel I am more than a bit of a narcissist . the noble ones are these three beggars ...no matter the what Or why of what brought them to it today ..and might again tomorrow. Their true reasons are none of my concern . They have the servants heart ...not I . This sounds obsequious I know ..but I could not mean this more ...I had bright vibrant visions today of the less lofty parts of myself ...I say this humbled and with gratitude...
I returned to my car instantly grateful for the opportunity of a teaching moment lavished upon me. Grateful I overcame the voice of reason..for it was due to a benevolent Patient Holy Lord ...so greater than myself .that the following has flooded my awareness in the short drive home and since ....I have been to this place of desperate and nearly ready to beg for money for my family. one day about 20 years ago and even recently ..I considered standing at the 405 amd Jamboree exit ready to hand out Stephen's resume or hold my own sign imploring help with rent . and knew the unique agony and the fear of not being able to provide all I wished to for my children...even right here in 25 years of living in idyllic irvine with all the best of every opportunity having been lavished at my feet and regretfully and now, repentively, much of it squandered ..., I've had my own hidden agendas in life and love and other bonds ...I've lived through job loss ...that was due to my own errors amd deficits in character ...I've conjured surruptitious plots to advance my cause of one form or another .ive begged God and humans alike to fix things for me ...audibly or in silence .. for what I feel I want and need
feeling a great big helping on my plate held out of "woe is me" ..and yet .....no matter .....God ..The God Who Saves... has provided me with so much grace and miraculous tangible provision I am
presently living in awe of these things every hour of every day. ...and in the days to come...I need to
Reach out of myself ...no further indulgent self assessment dialectic needed ...I just need to reach out ...and allow God to use me to help more and freely.... in prayer word and deed.
Friday, February 14, 2014
olympic tarnished gold
i most usually use this blog space for introspection/self evaluation/...confession and emotional overspill...but the last few days a rant of sorts has been burgeoning in my brain...and i decided to set it free by airing it in this place~
the thoughts i am about to express are likely NOT....going to be popular, and i am fairly certain would likely invoke the indignation of many...but i am indifferent to opinion here, as i plunge head first into the iconoclastic sea....
i find the present winter olympic games taking place in Sohci, frivolous and banal, and i am starting to think olympic games as they are presently crafted, should be discontinued entirely.
there is no point in dwelling too deeply within the inherent security risks. they do seem to be more candidly discussed and revealed in these olympics, but the olympic games presenting as a target for violent political statements and aggressive terrorist agendas, has been a clear a present danger for decades. i would have been completely supportive for the olympics being called off this year in general, and as the stage was being set weeks ago, the fear of some completely atrocious act of violence violating the olympic games this year was enough of a reason in my mind, for calling for an end to the games altogether.
as things have proceeded, and the events and days of the games marched by, i have had my primary concerns about feeling the games simply were not worth the risk, grown even more large due to other issues not having anything to do with terrorism whatsoever.
it is more really...that the games , to my view, have become diminished as classically competitive or demonstrative of excellence between countries and individuals, and have more become about personal ego. replacing the ancient spirit of testing the limits of human endurance and disciplines, many events are now abundantly comprised of perfectly ridiculous events that serve no greater purpose than to demonstrate how willing an individual is to be a dare-devil than truly an athletic competitor. many of the "athletes" who have won medals in these events appear to be purely in it for themselves, not their country. they seem like adolescents at often dangerous play, even though many of them are in late 20's and 30's. when they win ,they resemble spoiled children who just pushed someone out onto the floor and been declared the winner in a perverse game of musical chairs, more than a competitor who has persevered and triumphed within a respectable discipline. moreover,. hundreds of thousands of dollars...giving way to hundreds of million dollars spent, (or squandered by my view) are spent by the host country, the teams of each country, and by individuals themselves. and to what end? and to what example to future generations?
the money spent on opening and closing ceremonies alone, could probably end world hunger for at least a few months time if not longer as the the propaganda of the country take the world stage. the construction of the competitive fields, equipment, clothing, transportation cost, "training" etc could also so be utilized in a more useful and altruistic as well as practical manner to benefit the citizens of this planet.. events such as free style skiing, snow boarding events that are essentially something that looks like a skate board park made of ice, and the infamous skeleton, are unnecessarily dangerous, and do not demonstrate much more than to what level of recklessness some individuals are prone and willing to devote their lives and significant resources . i do not blame these individuals for their attitude and sense of entitlement to such indulgence. they are only responding to what the crowd will "pay"....if someone would pay me to cultivate my penchants and avoid the mantel of common day responsibilities and travails...i likely would do it too.and i do not doubt that many of them do feel a pride and loyalty to our country, or whatever country from which they hail...but they are not expressing it with any moving or uplifting form of social conscience,or awareness, nor care for any larger humanitarian view other than personal pride.
true, there are all sort of activities and frivolities that take place every hour of ever day. we purchase things, surround ourselves with comforts
that could, and often should, go to toward a greater good. however these things to not take place on the world stage, for so many days in succession, and at such an "international" level, at at such acclaim.
i could go on...and on about this..and i shall not. i think i have adequately expunged my primary contention with the modern day olympic games. and i know my words espoused here will not create any change or promote any particular enlightenment...and i long ago accepted my impotence in bringing any meaningful change to the planet at large. it has been sad for me on a personal level , though, to feel about the olympic games this year very much as the way i view the wars in which we find our country engaged....supportive of the troops, but not supportive of the reason nor the manner....in which they "fight"~
the thoughts i am about to express are likely NOT....going to be popular, and i am fairly certain would likely invoke the indignation of many...but i am indifferent to opinion here, as i plunge head first into the iconoclastic sea....
i find the present winter olympic games taking place in Sohci, frivolous and banal, and i am starting to think olympic games as they are presently crafted, should be discontinued entirely.
there is no point in dwelling too deeply within the inherent security risks. they do seem to be more candidly discussed and revealed in these olympics, but the olympic games presenting as a target for violent political statements and aggressive terrorist agendas, has been a clear a present danger for decades. i would have been completely supportive for the olympics being called off this year in general, and as the stage was being set weeks ago, the fear of some completely atrocious act of violence violating the olympic games this year was enough of a reason in my mind, for calling for an end to the games altogether.
as things have proceeded, and the events and days of the games marched by, i have had my primary concerns about feeling the games simply were not worth the risk, grown even more large due to other issues not having anything to do with terrorism whatsoever.
it is more really...that the games , to my view, have become diminished as classically competitive or demonstrative of excellence between countries and individuals, and have more become about personal ego. replacing the ancient spirit of testing the limits of human endurance and disciplines, many events are now abundantly comprised of perfectly ridiculous events that serve no greater purpose than to demonstrate how willing an individual is to be a dare-devil than truly an athletic competitor. many of the "athletes" who have won medals in these events appear to be purely in it for themselves, not their country. they seem like adolescents at often dangerous play, even though many of them are in late 20's and 30's. when they win ,they resemble spoiled children who just pushed someone out onto the floor and been declared the winner in a perverse game of musical chairs, more than a competitor who has persevered and triumphed within a respectable discipline. moreover,. hundreds of thousands of dollars...giving way to hundreds of million dollars spent, (or squandered by my view) are spent by the host country, the teams of each country, and by individuals themselves. and to what end? and to what example to future generations?
the money spent on opening and closing ceremonies alone, could probably end world hunger for at least a few months time if not longer as the the propaganda of the country take the world stage. the construction of the competitive fields, equipment, clothing, transportation cost, "training" etc could also so be utilized in a more useful and altruistic as well as practical manner to benefit the citizens of this planet.. events such as free style skiing, snow boarding events that are essentially something that looks like a skate board park made of ice, and the infamous skeleton, are unnecessarily dangerous, and do not demonstrate much more than to what level of recklessness some individuals are prone and willing to devote their lives and significant resources . i do not blame these individuals for their attitude and sense of entitlement to such indulgence. they are only responding to what the crowd will "pay"....if someone would pay me to cultivate my penchants and avoid the mantel of common day responsibilities and travails...i likely would do it too.and i do not doubt that many of them do feel a pride and loyalty to our country, or whatever country from which they hail...but they are not expressing it with any moving or uplifting form of social conscience,or awareness, nor care for any larger humanitarian view other than personal pride.
true, there are all sort of activities and frivolities that take place every hour of ever day. we purchase things, surround ourselves with comforts
that could, and often should, go to toward a greater good. however these things to not take place on the world stage, for so many days in succession, and at such an "international" level, at at such acclaim.
i could go on...and on about this..and i shall not. i think i have adequately expunged my primary contention with the modern day olympic games. and i know my words espoused here will not create any change or promote any particular enlightenment...and i long ago accepted my impotence in bringing any meaningful change to the planet at large. it has been sad for me on a personal level , though, to feel about the olympic games this year very much as the way i view the wars in which we find our country engaged....supportive of the troops, but not supportive of the reason nor the manner....in which they "fight"~
Thursday, December 26, 2013
not lost perhaps...but floundering~
i am completely astonished to discover just now...as i peeked into this blog after being given a gift yesterday that is inscribed with the quote i use to name it, ...that it has been over a year since my last post~
i am let down by the realization that i felt so committed at that last entry to write here on a regular basis...and the opportunity to record my thoughts throughout this time, and use them for personal growth and hopefully some public good....has slipped through my "fingers"....and awareness~
in some ways ...this realization is an accurate portrayal of this last year of my life. i reflect upon it as i sit here...and although i find myself especially travel weary from this last year's daily living, i cannot claim any great progress of the journey of my mind or spirit~ worlds of thoughts as words swirl in my head every day of every hour i am even partially awake, and yet they are now even less than vapor, evaporated within the "collective unconscious"~ the chance to change and evolve from them....gone...poof!
although my awareness is heightened in some aspects of life, such as being able to envision the possibility of a more abundant life spiritually, intellectually , altruistically, artistically, they are rendered inert~ inspiration and intention that is left untouched by action. in some ways i think i have actually regressed in the progression of my life from an emotional and tangible perspective. by this i mean i am having significant flashes of less than beautiful emotions such as emotional jealously, short shortsightedness, and feelings of being overwhelmed. my anxiety is on high alert almost all the time, which leaves me nothing but exhausted at the end of each day, and wanting to escape some of my circumstances and challenges... and when i look to the future it appears sometimes like a mine field littered with my failures and my fears~ this is influencing my present...and i have decided right this moment...this is completely unacceptable!
i am not anywhere near to being as mature nor as secure, emotionally, spiritually, financially or otherwise~ nor accomplished as a sage in any areas of my life as i thought i would be by this time~ and although i feel my heart is often in the right place, my general lack of action and the inconsistency of my focus on a daily basis is somewhat disappointing.
i still speak when i should not , concerning this or that.., and remain silent and in retreat when i should rise to action about an injustice or cause. i find myself becoming more fear filled about everything, be it my health, the health of those i love, the world in general, and all the other myriad of things i cannot control. my real and daily world is becoming far too small.i used to be a complete "news hound" and sometimes now, i avoid it all together as it feels all too sad and upsetting and i feel useless to do anything but observe. the logistics of my life are also becoming minimized. i have to completely force myself to even want to drive or be driven anywhere that is at all unfamiliar or feels "dangerous" and i am seemingly content to miss experiences rather than deal with the inherent danger of travel among drivers who seem to be proceeding at too great a speed, or just aggressive and discourteous, and i find proceeding on the freeways or in any large crowd unpleasant and sometimes intolerable. i hate myself for the way this limits my experiences, and the malaise it encourages.
i am more aware and highly sensitized than ever to the fragility of human life. there is no lacking in the aspect that my heart is exceedingly grateful....so much so lately i often find myself in tears even when just driving down the street ....or at work, should a particular thought or memory cross my mind that manifests my love and care for someone, of theirs ever or now, for me~ i need to use this proclivity i have for emotional intensity for empowerment toward happiness...not just allow it to make me melancholy. i don't want to retreat to the perverse comfort of creating crisis out of less than ideal circumstances..i don't want to squander love or continue to complacently place any of my gifts and talents and passions on the inaction bookshelf. i love bookshelves...i love the way they look and i am content to view them, filled up with some books that are just for show, and not ever on my "have read list"....but this is not an "ok" metaphor for the composition of my ever fleeting life~
sometimes i feel it would most accurate to describe myself as 16 going on 80...and neither are accurate nor acceptable~....what is to be done?....with all this introspection?.....
i am not sure this moment...but i think i need to identify one small baby step forward as 2014 presents itself one week from today...and take it. i am at a fork in my own road...i can feel it....but i cannot allow it to sweep me off into the river rapids of life any longer...floating and sometimes drifting beneath the surface, gasping......i want a prayer life and relationship with God that is more than please God please God, please God, whew thank you God! ..i need to climb upon a raft..and navigate my wandering before i truly am...lost~......more to follow.....
i am let down by the realization that i felt so committed at that last entry to write here on a regular basis...and the opportunity to record my thoughts throughout this time, and use them for personal growth and hopefully some public good....has slipped through my "fingers"....and awareness~
in some ways ...this realization is an accurate portrayal of this last year of my life. i reflect upon it as i sit here...and although i find myself especially travel weary from this last year's daily living, i cannot claim any great progress of the journey of my mind or spirit~ worlds of thoughts as words swirl in my head every day of every hour i am even partially awake, and yet they are now even less than vapor, evaporated within the "collective unconscious"~ the chance to change and evolve from them....gone...poof!
although my awareness is heightened in some aspects of life, such as being able to envision the possibility of a more abundant life spiritually, intellectually , altruistically, artistically, they are rendered inert~ inspiration and intention that is left untouched by action. in some ways i think i have actually regressed in the progression of my life from an emotional and tangible perspective. by this i mean i am having significant flashes of less than beautiful emotions such as emotional jealously, short shortsightedness, and feelings of being overwhelmed. my anxiety is on high alert almost all the time, which leaves me nothing but exhausted at the end of each day, and wanting to escape some of my circumstances and challenges... and when i look to the future it appears sometimes like a mine field littered with my failures and my fears~ this is influencing my present...and i have decided right this moment...this is completely unacceptable!
i am not anywhere near to being as mature nor as secure, emotionally, spiritually, financially or otherwise~ nor accomplished as a sage in any areas of my life as i thought i would be by this time~ and although i feel my heart is often in the right place, my general lack of action and the inconsistency of my focus on a daily basis is somewhat disappointing.
i still speak when i should not , concerning this or that.., and remain silent and in retreat when i should rise to action about an injustice or cause. i find myself becoming more fear filled about everything, be it my health, the health of those i love, the world in general, and all the other myriad of things i cannot control. my real and daily world is becoming far too small.i used to be a complete "news hound" and sometimes now, i avoid it all together as it feels all too sad and upsetting and i feel useless to do anything but observe. the logistics of my life are also becoming minimized. i have to completely force myself to even want to drive or be driven anywhere that is at all unfamiliar or feels "dangerous" and i am seemingly content to miss experiences rather than deal with the inherent danger of travel among drivers who seem to be proceeding at too great a speed, or just aggressive and discourteous, and i find proceeding on the freeways or in any large crowd unpleasant and sometimes intolerable. i hate myself for the way this limits my experiences, and the malaise it encourages.
i am more aware and highly sensitized than ever to the fragility of human life. there is no lacking in the aspect that my heart is exceedingly grateful....so much so lately i often find myself in tears even when just driving down the street ....or at work, should a particular thought or memory cross my mind that manifests my love and care for someone, of theirs ever or now, for me~ i need to use this proclivity i have for emotional intensity for empowerment toward happiness...not just allow it to make me melancholy. i don't want to retreat to the perverse comfort of creating crisis out of less than ideal circumstances..i don't want to squander love or continue to complacently place any of my gifts and talents and passions on the inaction bookshelf. i love bookshelves...i love the way they look and i am content to view them, filled up with some books that are just for show, and not ever on my "have read list"....but this is not an "ok" metaphor for the composition of my ever fleeting life~
sometimes i feel it would most accurate to describe myself as 16 going on 80...and neither are accurate nor acceptable~....what is to be done?....with all this introspection?.....
i am not sure this moment...but i think i need to identify one small baby step forward as 2014 presents itself one week from today...and take it. i am at a fork in my own road...i can feel it....but i cannot allow it to sweep me off into the river rapids of life any longer...floating and sometimes drifting beneath the surface, gasping......i want a prayer life and relationship with God that is more than please God please God, please God, whew thank you God! ..i need to climb upon a raft..and navigate my wandering before i truly am...lost~......more to follow.....
Friday, November 2, 2012
a handful~
"What can you ever really know of other people's souls—of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands."
~ Mere Christianity
i don't know about anyone else...but...so often i think i know what is in someones..."soul"....what makes them react the way they do...or i assume i know what they might be thinking or feeling. i predicate all sort of opinion, reaction and choice upon those assessments....~ i allow it to alter my own feelings or emotions of the moment, or on any given subject~ or within any relationship. i will think all too easily" i know what they really meant"...and sometimes i even think i understand better than they understand themselves~this sort of flawed perception can change the foundation of a lifetime, and can sometimes hold me prisoner in a murky sea of oversensitivity and assumption.
since i was a small girl, i have had the habit when riding in a car at night, especially as a passenger, to look into the windows of the homes and apartments along the way~ peeking into the lighted open windows as i whisk by...wondering who is within...who they are? how long they lived there? who do they love..how will they die?... what are they like?....what is their life story?....and a myriad of other fantasy wonderings~ this is a creative thing...a whimsical speeding by car in my head storytelling....
deciding upon the life and composition of a soul in this way is harmless....however, when i transition this to my real life, and my actual encounters, those casual and deeply meaningful, it no longer is an extension of my active mind, but a presumptuous and serious error that can cause damage and discouragement to myself and others.
we cannot know the mind of God, nor can we know the essence of any soul, and exactly how and why God has knit their fibers to become the tapestry of who they are and how they are, in His eternal plan, meant to be~
as C.S. so wisely said....the truth is, it is all i can do to hold my own soul and fate...in my own hands. should i need to grasp at another soul... with those same hands..it should not be in expectation or assessment....rather,.....it should only be...as a gesture...... of extension of acceptance and grace~ <3
~ Mere Christianity
i don't know about anyone else...but...so often i think i know what is in someones..."soul"....what makes them react the way they do...or i assume i know what they might be thinking or feeling. i predicate all sort of opinion, reaction and choice upon those assessments....~ i allow it to alter my own feelings or emotions of the moment, or on any given subject~ or within any relationship. i will think all too easily" i know what they really meant"...and sometimes i even think i understand better than they understand themselves~this sort of flawed perception can change the foundation of a lifetime, and can sometimes hold me prisoner in a murky sea of oversensitivity and assumption.
since i was a small girl, i have had the habit when riding in a car at night, especially as a passenger, to look into the windows of the homes and apartments along the way~ peeking into the lighted open windows as i whisk by...wondering who is within...who they are? how long they lived there? who do they love..how will they die?... what are they like?....what is their life story?....and a myriad of other fantasy wonderings~ this is a creative thing...a whimsical speeding by car in my head storytelling....
deciding upon the life and composition of a soul in this way is harmless....however, when i transition this to my real life, and my actual encounters, those casual and deeply meaningful, it no longer is an extension of my active mind, but a presumptuous and serious error that can cause damage and discouragement to myself and others.
we cannot know the mind of God, nor can we know the essence of any soul, and exactly how and why God has knit their fibers to become the tapestry of who they are and how they are, in His eternal plan, meant to be~
as C.S. so wisely said....the truth is, it is all i can do to hold my own soul and fate...in my own hands. should i need to grasp at another soul... with those same hands..it should not be in expectation or assessment....rather,.....it should only be...as a gesture...... of extension of acceptance and grace~ <3
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
independent of any other thing....
4th of July....Independence Day....always has been a day of import and remembrance in my experience~my early 1960's elementary school experience....lavishly immersed in the era of John Kennedy Camelot enchantment filled my little child's heart with wonder and pride to be an American....and the holiday manifest even better than that in my usually deeply tumultuous and troubled home life~
it was a holiday of import to my family....and the one i loved most~and here is why: there were no expectations of gifts and presentations harbored by my mother within which i could (usually) by her estimation, fail with what she perceived as malice of intention on my part......no religious conflicts between my convicted by God to love God heart and my parent's atheistic proclivities~ the food was traditional and delicious.and i didn't receive any dirty looks about indulging in a second hot dog nor was i told i didn't "need" to eat that cookie or cake......and we had company over...a welcome relief .and not our "normal" family dinner......as i knew i would not be abused verbally...my face would not be slapped for an innocent slip of the tongue...nor would i be sentenced with punitive banishment in front of any gathering extended between we 4..(although i knew to be on very most perfect behavior or there would be hell to pay once the crowd had departed).. and usually decorations were purchased, tables decorated festively..the knowledge that summer was ahead and the pressure of school and homework and feeling like the oddest child in the classroom was blissfully postponed for what seemed as though it was an eon ahead...i was proud of my mother in these moments as she displayed her prowess as a highly accomplished cook and hostess....and there was the best part of all....the home ignited fireworks!
we didn't have big public firework displays in our little san francisco peninsula town....but rather some amazing huge package of personal fiery delights purchased by my father with great pride. it brought tears to my eyes and bittersweet feeling to my heart even as the most tiny girl...because i knew that he grew up so very poor...and i could sense that gave him the most wonderful feeling to be able to provide the biggest and best display for his children~
my brother and i would anxiously wait until the first hint of nightfall.....watching the clock minute by minute and begging my father with our hopeful rationalizations to let us light off just one snake...or smoky joe....a sparkler...something .....we could barely stand the anticipation and then finally it would be "dark enough"...and we would venture out into the street with our treasures....and one by one light, gasp, exclaim with disappointment or delight depending...judging the worthiness of each firework upon the sound and the height of the flames and sparks...we were allowed by him to even strike the matches..and were literally playing with fire..and it was nothing short of exhilarating ~ and all around my awareness floated an unusual feeling of well being and happiness that remains with me to this day as i stand under or a midst any fireworks display ~
and when the night was done...the company vanished...the spell of wonder and the still of my usual anxiety ridden awareness lingered softly...an empty torn, and tattered by fire remnant of one firework or sparkler able to been seen in the streetlight shadow from my desk to my bed.....a relic to remind me through the next 364 days...that a magickal night awaited me in my future....and hope and happiness...was possible ...always~
more to follow~
it was a holiday of import to my family....and the one i loved most~and here is why: there were no expectations of gifts and presentations harbored by my mother within which i could (usually) by her estimation, fail with what she perceived as malice of intention on my part......no religious conflicts between my convicted by God to love God heart and my parent's atheistic proclivities~ the food was traditional and delicious.and i didn't receive any dirty looks about indulging in a second hot dog nor was i told i didn't "need" to eat that cookie or cake......and we had company over...a welcome relief .and not our "normal" family dinner......as i knew i would not be abused verbally...my face would not be slapped for an innocent slip of the tongue...nor would i be sentenced with punitive banishment in front of any gathering extended between we 4..(although i knew to be on very most perfect behavior or there would be hell to pay once the crowd had departed).. and usually decorations were purchased, tables decorated festively..the knowledge that summer was ahead and the pressure of school and homework and feeling like the oddest child in the classroom was blissfully postponed for what seemed as though it was an eon ahead...i was proud of my mother in these moments as she displayed her prowess as a highly accomplished cook and hostess....and there was the best part of all....the home ignited fireworks!
we didn't have big public firework displays in our little san francisco peninsula town....but rather some amazing huge package of personal fiery delights purchased by my father with great pride. it brought tears to my eyes and bittersweet feeling to my heart even as the most tiny girl...because i knew that he grew up so very poor...and i could sense that gave him the most wonderful feeling to be able to provide the biggest and best display for his children~
my brother and i would anxiously wait until the first hint of nightfall.....watching the clock minute by minute and begging my father with our hopeful rationalizations to let us light off just one snake...or smoky joe....a sparkler...something .....we could barely stand the anticipation and then finally it would be "dark enough"...and we would venture out into the street with our treasures....and one by one light, gasp, exclaim with disappointment or delight depending...judging the worthiness of each firework upon the sound and the height of the flames and sparks...we were allowed by him to even strike the matches..and were literally playing with fire..and it was nothing short of exhilarating ~ and all around my awareness floated an unusual feeling of well being and happiness that remains with me to this day as i stand under or a midst any fireworks display ~
and when the night was done...the company vanished...the spell of wonder and the still of my usual anxiety ridden awareness lingered softly...an empty torn, and tattered by fire remnant of one firework or sparkler able to been seen in the streetlight shadow from my desk to my bed.....a relic to remind me through the next 364 days...that a magickal night awaited me in my future....and hope and happiness...was possible ...always~
more to follow~
Saturday, June 16, 2012
short but bittersweet~
it dawned on me just now i do not have to craft an epic essay to blog here...sometimes a thought about a feeling or set of feelings alights to my awareness and i need to write it down...and this is a good a place as any :)
i was considering a very abbreviated version of what i am about to write as a FB post...but held back...but the whole Father's Day Weekend thing has sent my mind and heart spinning in this wee bit of delicious solitude i have this afternoon....so many memories and regrets and associations are flooding me and have left me with the following...in the wake....~
i never thought i was going to be one of those people who hated growing older...but i find myself exactly one of "those" people....i think this is partly from working with patients every day who are aging, declining...and who say to me.."don't get old!" as if i, in my youth, would not know to avoid it if i could by any other means than an early demise...::soft smile::
i also feel i have not given and learned and contributed all that was my destiny....i could have been so much better...in every aspect of my life.through all these years i have lied, manipulated, gossiped, shirked duties, hidden myself from certain responsibilities, failed people who trusted me to be this or that..or do this or that......hurt wonderful people..(and not so wonderful)...i am disappointed in myself overall, and want more time for redemption of my failings and squanderings...
i am sure my family and close friends noticed as 50 approached that i was having some sort of crisis on the matter...as i started proclaiming myself "staggeringly close to 50" at age 46.....my choices and behaviors, not all of them good nor healthy, began to change then, as did my attitudes and perspectives~ i started to buy clothing, reflective of nearly only denim and black and similar to what i wore in my so called college days...grew my hair to nearly my waist...made it an even deeper black...increased the dimensions of my already abundant eye make up/eye liner....and obtained several slightly "edgie" piercings...(just ears everyone...relax lol) now, six years later.i am more comfortable in these things than ever.....i am even ever more swiftly moving toward 16 in my own personal reality of the world...and honestly, i don't want to stop... various people in any day will tell me how young i look..and i gloat and bore everyone with the times in recent days i have been "carded"...but...it is all a bit of bravado..and i am, of course aware...of who i really am, how i look (ugh..photos and magnifying mirrors) and how my heart and soul and spirit are manifesting as i leave genuine youth behind, forever.
.i know how old i am...and most days when my heart swells with love for the precious beloved people in my life, i want to conjure at least 20 years to the surface from my body and lifespan to date, and rip it off and into shreds to be free of it...and then after this fantasy i am left to know...this is not possible..and usually my heart sinks as in spite of my faith in my Lord and my eternal hoped for destination. it sinks because i want another chance..at love..at life..at making the right decisions and loving the people i love so much better than i have...i want to give more, do more...be more.....i want to hold on to temporal treasures of human life and not age within it...for enough years still that i do not need to feel the daunting presence of the inevitable~
and then there are moments such as today...with the aforementioned memories and experiences flooding...life long friends appearing to reach out and share a past recollection, and i am blessed beyond measure and grateful that i have enjoyed life for every single year that to date, i have. and were i not to see another...i would have been gifted in life and love, greatly. <3 sending out gratitude in a spirit of all things ....past ...present..future...to all who read here* xo*<3 more to follow....~
i was considering a very abbreviated version of what i am about to write as a FB post...but held back...but the whole Father's Day Weekend thing has sent my mind and heart spinning in this wee bit of delicious solitude i have this afternoon....so many memories and regrets and associations are flooding me and have left me with the following...in the wake....~
i never thought i was going to be one of those people who hated growing older...but i find myself exactly one of "those" people....i think this is partly from working with patients every day who are aging, declining...and who say to me.."don't get old!" as if i, in my youth, would not know to avoid it if i could by any other means than an early demise...::soft smile::
i also feel i have not given and learned and contributed all that was my destiny....i could have been so much better...in every aspect of my life.through all these years i have lied, manipulated, gossiped, shirked duties, hidden myself from certain responsibilities, failed people who trusted me to be this or that..or do this or that......hurt wonderful people..(and not so wonderful)...i am disappointed in myself overall, and want more time for redemption of my failings and squanderings...
i am sure my family and close friends noticed as 50 approached that i was having some sort of crisis on the matter...as i started proclaiming myself "staggeringly close to 50" at age 46.....my choices and behaviors, not all of them good nor healthy, began to change then, as did my attitudes and perspectives~ i started to buy clothing, reflective of nearly only denim and black and similar to what i wore in my so called college days...grew my hair to nearly my waist...made it an even deeper black...increased the dimensions of my already abundant eye make up/eye liner....and obtained several slightly "edgie" piercings...(just ears everyone...relax lol) now, six years later.i am more comfortable in these things than ever.....i am even ever more swiftly moving toward 16 in my own personal reality of the world...and honestly, i don't want to stop... various people in any day will tell me how young i look..and i gloat and bore everyone with the times in recent days i have been "carded"...but...it is all a bit of bravado..and i am, of course aware...of who i really am, how i look (ugh..photos and magnifying mirrors) and how my heart and soul and spirit are manifesting as i leave genuine youth behind, forever.
.i know how old i am...and most days when my heart swells with love for the precious beloved people in my life, i want to conjure at least 20 years to the surface from my body and lifespan to date, and rip it off and into shreds to be free of it...and then after this fantasy i am left to know...this is not possible..and usually my heart sinks as in spite of my faith in my Lord and my eternal hoped for destination. it sinks because i want another chance..at love..at life..at making the right decisions and loving the people i love so much better than i have...i want to give more, do more...be more.....i want to hold on to temporal treasures of human life and not age within it...for enough years still that i do not need to feel the daunting presence of the inevitable~
and then there are moments such as today...with the aforementioned memories and experiences flooding...life long friends appearing to reach out and share a past recollection, and i am blessed beyond measure and grateful that i have enjoyed life for every single year that to date, i have. and were i not to see another...i would have been gifted in life and love, greatly. <3 sending out gratitude in a spirit of all things ....past ...present..future...to all who read here* xo*<3 more to follow....~
Thursday, May 24, 2012
vacancy signs
well...it has been 9 days since i began my weight "management" program at uci...and this week has yielded a loss of 6.2 pounds. yes.... ".2"....i am grabbing it..holding on to it as part of my total... and not rounding down...although rounding down is the objective of this journey~
i have to admit i am feeling more energized, all my blood pressure meds have already been cut in half, and i am now walking more and taking stairs..proceeding up ramps, and even standing without feeling as though i need to pridefully pretend that i am not embarrassingly short of breath...so this is a very good thing.
i have had a few remarkable and relevant epiphanies ....newly cleansed of so much excess fat and sugar.... which is the surprise that of all foods the one i continue to deeply crave...is bread. i am nearly obsessed with the lack of it....and i am not sure i could be trusted to be alone in a room with a fresh loaf....that and a reeses.....who would have thought that my highly cultivated gourmet pallet would have such pedestrian yearnings....
the other interesting phenomena during this past week on the regime, has been the fact that i feel...vacant. i can consume ounces upon ounces of liquid, veggies, fruit and the small entrees the program provides, and be more vacant feeling at the end of the "meal"...than when i started. it is a gnawing sort of vacant that churns and grows and becomes a glaring neon light inside me until i find a distraction from it in some activity or conversation ~ i am wondering if this vacant feeling is the place that i have been filling up with addictive food....and perhaps is in my spirit..... more than in my gut?....?
i have received an outpouring of support and encouragement..in openly spoken ways and small quiet ways that have contributed to my success in surviving this first week.....even from some unexpected sources for which i am so grateful and humbled..although i admit,i am a little sobered when i realize that not one person with whom i have shared that i am doing a program quite this drastic...has asked.."why?" lol ....
and so i willingly endure and leave up my vacancy sign....and wonder what and who might come to reside to fill the space with love and light...rather than sugar and fat.... ~<3 more to follow....~
i have to admit i am feeling more energized, all my blood pressure meds have already been cut in half, and i am now walking more and taking stairs..proceeding up ramps, and even standing without feeling as though i need to pridefully pretend that i am not embarrassingly short of breath...so this is a very good thing.
i have had a few remarkable and relevant epiphanies ....newly cleansed of so much excess fat and sugar.... which is the surprise that of all foods the one i continue to deeply crave...is bread. i am nearly obsessed with the lack of it....and i am not sure i could be trusted to be alone in a room with a fresh loaf....that and a reeses.....who would have thought that my highly cultivated gourmet pallet would have such pedestrian yearnings....
the other interesting phenomena during this past week on the regime, has been the fact that i feel...vacant. i can consume ounces upon ounces of liquid, veggies, fruit and the small entrees the program provides, and be more vacant feeling at the end of the "meal"...than when i started. it is a gnawing sort of vacant that churns and grows and becomes a glaring neon light inside me until i find a distraction from it in some activity or conversation ~ i am wondering if this vacant feeling is the place that i have been filling up with addictive food....and perhaps is in my spirit..... more than in my gut?....?
i have received an outpouring of support and encouragement..in openly spoken ways and small quiet ways that have contributed to my success in surviving this first week.....even from some unexpected sources for which i am so grateful and humbled..although i admit,i am a little sobered when i realize that not one person with whom i have shared that i am doing a program quite this drastic...has asked.."why?" lol ....
and so i willingly endure and leave up my vacancy sign....and wonder what and who might come to reside to fill the space with love and light...rather than sugar and fat.... ~<3 more to follow....~
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
let us too surrender.....~
today, i am especially pensive about the subject of human love. my being pensive, and my thinking about love, are not at all uncommon obsessions for me, but today the energy of it just seems quietly deeply intensely introspective.
over 25 years ago i first read the book "The Road Less Traveled" by Dr. M Scott Peck ( have read it several times since), and was immediately drawn to his wisdom regarding the spiritual quality of a life well lived, in balance with the undeniable realities of human existence and relating, and intrinsic angst.
one of the most enduring and useful statements from his book which i have retained for all these years popped into my brain this morning as i awakened with an uncomfortable undefined anxiety...and i have been mulling around it all day...... and that is his definition of "love".....and Dr. Peck states it in the following manner:
"I define love thus: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. "
the complexities of emotion and thought and visceral feeling relative to love are so vast, i have found this statement through the years a beautifully succinct and accurate barometer of all that i call "love". today especially, for a myriad of reasons that are not relevant to this sharing, i am reflective in measuring myself against those words, and scoring an "epic fail".
granted, there is an inherent subjective quality to what is spiritual and what is "spiritual growth"....i can only speak to what those two words combined mean to me, and i think they simply mean....facilitating the beloved to find their own way...their own truth...in confidence and peace and know that doing so will not jeopardize the love between the us, even though it might need to eventually (or immediately) change, alter, become more intense, or more remote, depending upon multiple and varied factors through time~
the word "extend" is interesting to me in this definition. loving in an extending way is not comfy. it is terribly painful and difficult a lot of the time to push through my tendency to be as i have always been. recently someone i respect stated to me that i cannot change, cannot really change, and perhaps this is true~ but i can keep trying to extend to the limits of what my true self will allow, knock down my own walls, extend my vision, extend my comfort level, extend my vision to see beyond my own visceral sensations. extend out of what i want for myself or what i even want for or with them. i can and want to do this for those i love. i feel it is what God expects of me, it's part of why i am on the planet ..... and i have to remember it is only to have a willingness, that is the magick key to unlock my capacity~
i think i am feeling ouchie and anxious and pensive today because it's just sooooo very damn difficult to keep this focus on "love"...and not confuse it with feelings of possessiveness, or self gratification/actualization/ego et. al~............, be it through my eyes as a child toward my parents,(even though they are dead) my daughters, (even though they are now grown and on their own...in fact perhaps especially so because they are!)...my brother, certain friends, and the exquisitely thorn-bird style intense in the way i experience romantic love, and the way that is complicated by sexual feelings.
i have found it can be equally difficult to keep the awareness that love, when articulated by this definition, is not about some strong feeling i have for the person i love, it isn't that lovely heady delicious intensity junkie elixir of swept away feeling, or even agape care/concern.....nor the things to which i am compelled because of those strong feelings...but the truth is, nonetheless...i am tempted to want it to be both the feelings and the compelling~
the nurturing part is easy for me, sometimes nearly neurotically so, but i know at the highest proper form nurturing does not mean it's ok for me to want to create and offer provision as a manner to control or impose, even if i truly do feel what i see, sense or think is important to the well being of the person i love~and it is just tragically wrong for me to nurture because i want to solicit or secure someone having loving feelings....for me~
i think in it's pure form "nurturing" in love, is about offering gracefully, and not pressuring....certain tangible things. nurturing is also about providing an emotional environment between two where there is peace and no contention and everything is held and offered lightly without strings to bind anything in any way....and sometimes...nurturing is just about standing back..with a willingness to not speak my thoughts or opinions or issue my caveats....or speaking my own feelings or need.
and so.......my mind and heart...spin on....and as i write there is no conclusion to this conundrum of the ages....<3 ...undoubtedly ,more to follow on all this...although i know not, when.<3
over 25 years ago i first read the book "The Road Less Traveled" by Dr. M Scott Peck ( have read it several times since), and was immediately drawn to his wisdom regarding the spiritual quality of a life well lived, in balance with the undeniable realities of human existence and relating, and intrinsic angst.
one of the most enduring and useful statements from his book which i have retained for all these years popped into my brain this morning as i awakened with an uncomfortable undefined anxiety...and i have been mulling around it all day...... and that is his definition of "love".....and Dr. Peck states it in the following manner:
"I define love thus: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. "
the complexities of emotion and thought and visceral feeling relative to love are so vast, i have found this statement through the years a beautifully succinct and accurate barometer of all that i call "love". today especially, for a myriad of reasons that are not relevant to this sharing, i am reflective in measuring myself against those words, and scoring an "epic fail".
granted, there is an inherent subjective quality to what is spiritual and what is "spiritual growth"....i can only speak to what those two words combined mean to me, and i think they simply mean....facilitating the beloved to find their own way...their own truth...in confidence and peace and know that doing so will not jeopardize the love between the us, even though it might need to eventually (or immediately) change, alter, become more intense, or more remote, depending upon multiple and varied factors through time~
the word "extend" is interesting to me in this definition. loving in an extending way is not comfy. it is terribly painful and difficult a lot of the time to push through my tendency to be as i have always been. recently someone i respect stated to me that i cannot change, cannot really change, and perhaps this is true~ but i can keep trying to extend to the limits of what my true self will allow, knock down my own walls, extend my vision, extend my comfort level, extend my vision to see beyond my own visceral sensations. extend out of what i want for myself or what i even want for or with them. i can and want to do this for those i love. i feel it is what God expects of me, it's part of why i am on the planet ..... and i have to remember it is only to have a willingness, that is the magick key to unlock my capacity~
i think i am feeling ouchie and anxious and pensive today because it's just sooooo very damn difficult to keep this focus on "love"...and not confuse it with feelings of possessiveness, or self gratification/actualization/ego et. al~............, be it through my eyes as a child toward my parents,(even though they are dead) my daughters, (even though they are now grown and on their own...in fact perhaps especially so because they are!)...my brother, certain friends, and the exquisitely thorn-bird style intense in the way i experience romantic love, and the way that is complicated by sexual feelings.
i have found it can be equally difficult to keep the awareness that love, when articulated by this definition, is not about some strong feeling i have for the person i love, it isn't that lovely heady delicious intensity junkie elixir of swept away feeling, or even agape care/concern.....nor the things to which i am compelled because of those strong feelings...but the truth is, nonetheless...i am tempted to want it to be both the feelings and the compelling~
the nurturing part is easy for me, sometimes nearly neurotically so, but i know at the highest proper form nurturing does not mean it's ok for me to want to create and offer provision as a manner to control or impose, even if i truly do feel what i see, sense or think is important to the well being of the person i love~and it is just tragically wrong for me to nurture because i want to solicit or secure someone having loving feelings....for me~
i think in it's pure form "nurturing" in love, is about offering gracefully, and not pressuring....certain tangible things. nurturing is also about providing an emotional environment between two where there is peace and no contention and everything is held and offered lightly without strings to bind anything in any way....and sometimes...nurturing is just about standing back..with a willingness to not speak my thoughts or opinions or issue my caveats....or speaking my own feelings or need.
and so.......my mind and heart...spin on....and as i write there is no conclusion to this conundrum of the ages....<3 ...undoubtedly ,more to follow on all this...although i know not, when.<3
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
observance of an anniversary~
april 17th...a day that will live in infamy..perhaps i over state...as it was not nearly as destructive as Pearl Harbor but "infamous' in a personal manner of speaking this was the day, that 57 years ago, my parents wed. reflecting upon their union is nearly the only space where my negative, sarcastic and hopeless aspects of self...flourish. it was truly a match made in hell...and there is a certain camaraderie in "hell"..i would imagine by it's inhabitants...and that did too exist between my mother and father...but it was not at all "light" based...but in nearly every aspect was an offspring of darkness.
it's true...i was not privy to whatever moments they shared that might have been genuinely loving or tender or supportive and reflective of "love" ...and i am certain there were a few...i was witness to more than several times where they strove to make the other "happy"...but usually this was in the provision of material things or other tangible measurements. and in the times in between their bond was profoundly destructive and long suffering...the operative word being "suffering"...
i had the good fortune, and misfortune, of having a very adult type relationship with my father from the time i was a very little girl. this arose mostly from his complete lack of companionship from my mother due to her mental illness. nothing commonly known as inappropriate ever occurred...but he did tap into my sensitivities and intuitive gifts to draw me close...and i knew far too much of his agony and angst in his marriage with my mother....i never did just get to be a "child"....observing and feeling safe within their marriage...but rather a pawn who they both moved deftly on the chess board of our family dynamic~ and i played my part well and willingly to be my fathers sacred confidant....dangerous dangerous emotional stuff...
i have never in all my observances, known two individuals who were so poorly suited to one another. my father was a devout man of honor in his way....but weak and grossly unprepared from his own upbringing of neglect and abuse to cope with the likes of my mother and her Machiavellian pathological proclivities..born of what i am sure was her own experiences of abuse......tortured souls....both. so so so very sad.
i'll spare any reader here the grim details of their life together....but suffice it to say they lived within misery, and called it normal. what misery they did not create, was perpetuated upon them by some unknown but deeply felt malevolent energy source.......and left both their children reeling into adulthood with a sole similar mission to never ever duplicate that which we had known of "marriage" and "family"....
and fortunately, divinely so, truly by the grace of The Lord God Almighty....we were both led to our place within the palm of God's hand....and i would chose my destiny again with all it's horrors, and i know my brother would too....to find in the Father and Blessed Mother of Jesus...the parental figures, and abiding examples of true love we lacked as children....ultra idealistic and examples of immaculate perfection...but they drew us out of our upbringing and onto the potential of living on a higher plane....
....
i guess in this way i do thank my parents for their unwitting sacrifice for our eventual salvation...i do not know why God plucked me up as He did...but He did....and my beloved brother too...incredibly loving and generous people have been brought into both our lives since we were small, and as someone i was conversing with recently said to me..and he was very correct...in these ways i have led a "charmed" life~ ...Heaven illuminating our path out of the darkness and symbiotic agony of our parents' bond.... ...i do hope with my deepest heart that wherever the awareness of their souls do now reside, they know i am grateful they did have a union and although i don't understand why either of them chose to exist in that union until death they did part...i am grateful in my way....and.i have certainly had my own failures when it comes to love and marriage and life in general.....so in this way i do have an empathy i once lacked....
i hope ..they feel my sincere heartache for them....and my prayer for their eternal "rest" in peace....on this their anniversary...and every day~
it's true...i was not privy to whatever moments they shared that might have been genuinely loving or tender or supportive and reflective of "love" ...and i am certain there were a few...i was witness to more than several times where they strove to make the other "happy"...but usually this was in the provision of material things or other tangible measurements. and in the times in between their bond was profoundly destructive and long suffering...the operative word being "suffering"...
i had the good fortune, and misfortune, of having a very adult type relationship with my father from the time i was a very little girl. this arose mostly from his complete lack of companionship from my mother due to her mental illness. nothing commonly known as inappropriate ever occurred...but he did tap into my sensitivities and intuitive gifts to draw me close...and i knew far too much of his agony and angst in his marriage with my mother....i never did just get to be a "child"....observing and feeling safe within their marriage...but rather a pawn who they both moved deftly on the chess board of our family dynamic~ and i played my part well and willingly to be my fathers sacred confidant....dangerous dangerous emotional stuff...
i have never in all my observances, known two individuals who were so poorly suited to one another. my father was a devout man of honor in his way....but weak and grossly unprepared from his own upbringing of neglect and abuse to cope with the likes of my mother and her Machiavellian pathological proclivities..born of what i am sure was her own experiences of abuse......tortured souls....both. so so so very sad.
i'll spare any reader here the grim details of their life together....but suffice it to say they lived within misery, and called it normal. what misery they did not create, was perpetuated upon them by some unknown but deeply felt malevolent energy source.......and left both their children reeling into adulthood with a sole similar mission to never ever duplicate that which we had known of "marriage" and "family"....
and fortunately, divinely so, truly by the grace of The Lord God Almighty....we were both led to our place within the palm of God's hand....and i would chose my destiny again with all it's horrors, and i know my brother would too....to find in the Father and Blessed Mother of Jesus...the parental figures, and abiding examples of true love we lacked as children....ultra idealistic and examples of immaculate perfection...but they drew us out of our upbringing and onto the potential of living on a higher plane....
....
i guess in this way i do thank my parents for their unwitting sacrifice for our eventual salvation...i do not know why God plucked me up as He did...but He did....and my beloved brother too...incredibly loving and generous people have been brought into both our lives since we were small, and as someone i was conversing with recently said to me..and he was very correct...in these ways i have led a "charmed" life~ ...Heaven illuminating our path out of the darkness and symbiotic agony of our parents' bond.... ...i do hope with my deepest heart that wherever the awareness of their souls do now reside, they know i am grateful they did have a union and although i don't understand why either of them chose to exist in that union until death they did part...i am grateful in my way....and.i have certainly had my own failures when it comes to love and marriage and life in general.....so in this way i do have an empathy i once lacked....
i hope ..they feel my sincere heartache for them....and my prayer for their eternal "rest" in peace....on this their anniversary...and every day~
new wanderings...
months and months have passed....and i am now on the other side of what felt as though it would be the endless purge, sort, relocate, anguish, adjust, accept and dwell in the past interval of these recent times of my life~ perhaps i can now start chronicling my thoughts and experiences and lessons and eternal conundrums...here?.....just very possibly~ <3
Sunday, July 31, 2011
sunday~
i am much too young and much too old to be where i find myself today within my life. i am sorting and purging and organizing my personal effects, and with my usual dramatic flare, i hear the voice within my head articulate that it rather feels as though i am prematurely starting the digging of my own grave~and end...to life in the common way it feels to all of we mortals~
i have moved 19 times in 32 years...and many times prior to the start of that chronicling~.and there have even been times in my journey where i have been "homeless"......but this time...it is different. this time it feels more like "dismantling" than just regular moving preparation. so much has changed in my life in the last year and in the lives of the people i love. i am terrible at ending things...and now the day has come to roost where endings are inevitable and now i am clear as to why i avoid ending at all cost.
simply....they hurt.
and although i always pride myself on the level of physical discomfort i can tolerate...i am obviously a complete wimp when it comes to emotional pain. this fact, as i just realized today, is most especially intriguing to me from an intellectual perspective because i feel i have spent most of my conscious life since i was a very small child IN...emotional pain. One would think i would have a tolerance for that sort of pain as well...did the Refiners fire not temper met at all??? but it is instead, the antithesis.
as instead i feel inside myself i am always at a saturation point...and just one more stab to my heart, or worry, of concern, or feeling of failure and it will be the proverbial "straw" that sends me falling head first from the camel's back....... and so i hold onto EVERYTHING for dear life...even when the ride is bumpy, uncomfortable, and goes nowhere but in circles of lack of personal growth...the same mistakes over and over... and sometimes..... misery~
i am not at all proud of a significant portion of my life journey thus far....there is quite a lot upon which i can and must improve when it comes to the way i live and love~ i don't want to just live out the rest of my life as i have lived the last score of years~.....the thought of that...fills me with the most profound sense of squandering of the blessings which i have been, by grace, given........ and dread~
today, is a day i knew would feel like a sad day, that i have procrastinated for a long time from an emotional perspective, and for a month or two from a tangible/logistical perspective. i finally mustered the courage to begin to "dig in"....go through clothing that no longer fits or no longer fits my life... ...photos, mementos, trinkets....that are tarnished both in their metal and their memory.....not only my own accumulation of "stuff".......but some of it belonging to those who have been my "family" as i have known it...~
never has my past felt so sad....my future felt so uncertain....
even so i can feel God near...and His eyes of love over me as i venture forth.....~
back to work for me...more...to follow~
i have moved 19 times in 32 years...and many times prior to the start of that chronicling~.and there have even been times in my journey where i have been "homeless"......but this time...it is different. this time it feels more like "dismantling" than just regular moving preparation. so much has changed in my life in the last year and in the lives of the people i love. i am terrible at ending things...and now the day has come to roost where endings are inevitable and now i am clear as to why i avoid ending at all cost.
simply....they hurt.
and although i always pride myself on the level of physical discomfort i can tolerate...i am obviously a complete wimp when it comes to emotional pain. this fact, as i just realized today, is most especially intriguing to me from an intellectual perspective because i feel i have spent most of my conscious life since i was a very small child IN...emotional pain. One would think i would have a tolerance for that sort of pain as well...did the Refiners fire not temper met at all??? but it is instead, the antithesis.
as instead i feel inside myself i am always at a saturation point...and just one more stab to my heart, or worry, of concern, or feeling of failure and it will be the proverbial "straw" that sends me falling head first from the camel's back....... and so i hold onto EVERYTHING for dear life...even when the ride is bumpy, uncomfortable, and goes nowhere but in circles of lack of personal growth...the same mistakes over and over... and sometimes..... misery~
i am not at all proud of a significant portion of my life journey thus far....there is quite a lot upon which i can and must improve when it comes to the way i live and love~ i don't want to just live out the rest of my life as i have lived the last score of years~.....the thought of that...fills me with the most profound sense of squandering of the blessings which i have been, by grace, given........ and dread~
today, is a day i knew would feel like a sad day, that i have procrastinated for a long time from an emotional perspective, and for a month or two from a tangible/logistical perspective. i finally mustered the courage to begin to "dig in"....go through clothing that no longer fits or no longer fits my life... ...photos, mementos, trinkets....that are tarnished both in their metal and their memory.....not only my own accumulation of "stuff".......but some of it belonging to those who have been my "family" as i have known it...~
never has my past felt so sad....my future felt so uncertain....
even so i can feel God near...and His eyes of love over me as i venture forth.....~
back to work for me...more...to follow~
to begin yet again....
a year or so ago i set up this blog...well..not actually this one...it was another one...but in any event~ i began a blog and never once posted to it. a bit of laziness perhaps...and it has been so much easier to use facebook status posts as a way to state what i might be feeling, experiencing, thinking...at any given moment~ but my thoughts there are confined by space and decorum...(although sometimes i know i cross over the edge of "sensitive"...to "dark and troubled")...so truth is this is a far better venue for heart spill, struggle, enlightenment, articulated confusion, confessed depression, personal thrill, and angst~
to all who enter~ i am blessed by your interest~ and thank you for peeking in to wander with me~* Godspeed...to us all~* <3
to all who enter~ i am blessed by your interest~ and thank you for peeking in to wander with me~* Godspeed...to us all~* <3
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