my thoughts were grasped this morning by this quote from the bible....i am lifting it very out of context, but it stands alone in erudite poignant beauty....
"More tortuous than all else is the human heart,
beyond remedy;
who can understand it?"
Jeremiah 17:9
there are other translations ...but this is the one that landed in my soul.
it goes on to say:
"i, the Lord search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct
according to what their deeds deserve."
i'm going to let that second part go for today...but just for the sake of the entirety of thought, i do want to comment, that i do not see that as admonishing nor threatening, but rather the pronouncement of God's omnipotence, and omniscience in our lives...and i actually perceive that as a good thing...
because if we are not fully known and fully understood by our Creator...who will fully know and understand us? there are so many impediments in the evolutionary aspects of essence that impedes even our full knowing of ourselves. it is of comfort to me...that Someone....does!....
but to return to the realities of the torturous quality of the human heart...
it does feel beyond remedy a lot of the time to me...i don't understand my own heart or anyone's ...and don't presume to. i doubt my own self more than i doubt any other.
i grapple, and sort, and process, and examine...
overthink....withhold expressions of my feelings...attach and fail to detach...mitigate my pathologies with salve that improves my perception of how things feel upon my mortal flesh...but are essentially no more than a sticky mess to remove when they are no longer effective.
i reach for a higher plane, or try to most of the time...my "higher self"...but i land crashing too often without warning...in an alice down the rabbit hole sort of fashion. not really understanding how i arrived flat on my ass in some strange space, and no idea how to extracate myself from it...
so i search. i go thru the looking glass....and try to cope with the world i see before me. the answers that are riddles....the strange creatures and the confusing things they say....the signs that only confuse me more...i lean this way...and that way........i'm lost at this point in trying to understand myself to make way thru my situation with any amount of grace or ease.
this is the present tortuous state of my human heart. i'm overcome by it presently. i carry on. but every breath is a battle some moments. what are my lessons? i am not a creature knitted to "let go"....i don't even know what that means, or would feel like. i search for clarity...for the way out..or through..i don't care...i just don't want to be in this space any longer .
not to depend too much on the five books of moses today....but for illustration .....i will share one of my favorite stories, which is the one of hagar in the desert. if you know me at all in real life i have used this at least once in explaining my life experience to you...because it is to universal in it's application to those of us who wander.....lost at any particular moment, or not....
hagar has been banished from her home, and her protection under abraham, with her son ishmael, because sara has now born issac, and it no longer seems to suit her that her own idea to have her husband bring forth a child with another woman was a workable concept. circumstances have changed. feelings and emotions have shifted. she is no longer wanted. in fact, she is completely shunned. her life is never to be the same. this season is completed . she has played her part and she is summarily dismissed .
so hagar and young ishmael are sent off into the desert...just the two of them. can you imagine? the heat, the dust, the complete desolation....the rejection, confusion....it's own sort of "rabbit hole"...in every sense. she hungers for release from her wandering. they are thirsty, they are dirty...they are completely exhausted and feeling hopeless. she cries out for an answer ....for an oasis...her precious son on the verge of death from the harsh elements they have endured....and she looks as far into the future as she might...and there is no illumination to the end of her suffering sojourn. she just wants the pain to end...but how? she's doing all she can. she is trudging alone every day trying to make headway on her journey to arrive ...somewhere...anywhere...but it is endless. her son is crying. she begs the Almighty for release...for a sign....
and then...finally...there it is. an angel appears. the angel explains hagar need not be afraid. God has heard her prayers....there is a blessing about to be bestowed . and then ...in an instant...there is the water. the oasis....and they are saved. they are released to proceed upon their lives as destined.
and Hagar is remind by the angel...that the release from agony was actually always in her view...but she simply could not see it.
i have been to the down the rabbit hole and into the desert several significant times in my life. each time...i am no different than hagar. i want an answer. i want my problem solved. i want release. i want to just know what release really is...and how to feel it...experience it..own it.....but it waxes elusive. i am presently in such a place. of self recriminations and conundrums....of living my life like Benjamin Button ...living it backwards...trying to get it right. trying to go backwards and see. trying too hard sometimes. it's exhausting and colossally discouraging. it's like continuing to solve rubics cube when you're color blind.
but "you can't hurry love"...sometimes the striving to carry on another footstep is the lesson.....and sometimes the only lesson is patience and working toward a general sort of personal growth. sometimes God's timing, which is perfect....is something we want to rush. we will see and release our suffering... when we have the eyes. when we have the eyes the vail will lift....and our relief will come in splashes of sweet water upon our lips and into our parched mouths. i believe this. i see this. i draw this oasis to myself today...and prayers for you to do so in your heart's tortures.......as well. <3
