it dawned on me just now i do not have to craft an epic essay to blog here...sometimes a thought about a feeling or set of feelings alights to my awareness and i need to write it down...and this is a good a place as any :)
i was considering a very abbreviated version of what i am about to write as a FB post...but held back...but the whole Father's Day Weekend thing has sent my mind and heart spinning in this wee bit of delicious solitude i have this afternoon....so many memories and regrets and associations are flooding me and have left me with the following...in the wake....~
i never thought i was going to be one of those people who hated growing older...but i find myself exactly one of "those" people....i think this is partly from working with patients every day who are aging, declining...and who say to me.."don't get old!" as if i, in my youth, would not know to avoid it if i could by any other means than an early demise...::soft smile::
i also feel i have not given and learned and contributed all that was my destiny....i could have been so much better...in every aspect of my life.through all these years i have lied, manipulated, gossiped, shirked duties, hidden myself from certain responsibilities, failed people who trusted me to be this or that..or do this or that......hurt wonderful people..(and not so wonderful)...i am disappointed in myself overall, and want more time for redemption of my failings and squanderings...
i am sure my family and close friends noticed as 50 approached that i was having some sort of crisis on the matter...as i started proclaiming myself "staggeringly close to 50" at age 46.....my choices and behaviors, not all of them good nor healthy, began to change then, as did my attitudes and perspectives~ i started to buy clothing, reflective of nearly only denim and black and similar to what i wore in my so called college days...grew my hair to nearly my waist...made it an even deeper black...increased the dimensions of my already abundant eye make up/eye liner....and obtained several slightly "edgie" piercings...(just ears everyone...relax lol) now, six years later.i am more comfortable in these things than ever.....i am even ever more swiftly moving toward 16 in my own personal reality of the world...and honestly, i don't want to stop... various people in any day will tell me how young i look..and i gloat and bore everyone with the times in recent days i have been "carded"...but...it is all a bit of bravado..and i am, of course aware...of who i really am, how i look (ugh..photos and magnifying mirrors) and how my heart and soul and spirit are manifesting as i leave genuine youth behind, forever.
.i know how old i am...and most days when my heart swells with love for the precious beloved people in my life, i want to conjure at least 20 years to the surface from my body and lifespan to date, and rip it off and into shreds to be free of it...and then after this fantasy i am left to know...this is not possible..and usually my heart sinks as in spite of my faith in my Lord and my eternal hoped for destination. it sinks because i want another chance..at love..at life..at making the right decisions and loving the people i love so much better than i have...i want to give more, do more...be more.....i want to hold on to temporal treasures of human life and not age within it...for enough years still that i do not need to feel the daunting presence of the inevitable~
and then there are moments such as today...with the aforementioned memories and experiences flooding...life long friends appearing to reach out and share a past recollection, and i am blessed beyond measure and grateful that i have enjoyed life for every single year that to date, i have. and were i not to see another...i would have been gifted in life and love, greatly. <3 sending out gratitude in a spirit of all things ....past ...present..future...to all who read here* xo*<3 more to follow....~
