sunday~

i am much too young and much too old to be where i find myself today within my life. i am sorting and purging and organizing my personal effects, and with my usual dramatic flare, i hear the voice within my head articulate that it rather feels as though i am prematurely starting the digging of my own grave~and end...to life in the common way it feels to all of we mortals~

 i have moved 19 times in 32 years...and many times prior to the start of that chronicling~.and there have even been times in my journey where i have been "homeless"......but this time...it is different. this time it feels more like "dismantling" than just regular moving preparation. so much has changed in my life in the last year and in the lives of the people i love. i am terrible at ending things...and now the day has come to roost where endings are inevitable and now i am clear as to why i avoid ending at all cost.

 simply....they hurt.

and although i always pride myself on the level of physical discomfort i can tolerate...i am obviously a complete wimp when it comes to emotional pain. this fact, as i just realized today, is most especially intriguing to me from an intellectual perspective because i feel i have spent most of my conscious life since i was a very small child IN...emotional pain. One would think i would have a tolerance for that sort of pain as well...did the Refiners fire not temper met at all???  but it is instead, the antithesis.

as instead i feel inside myself i am always at a saturation point...and just one more stab to my heart, or worry, of concern, or feeling of failure and it will be the proverbial "straw" that sends me falling head first from the camel's back....... and so i hold onto EVERYTHING for dear life...even when the ride is bumpy, uncomfortable, and goes nowhere but in circles of lack of personal growth...the same mistakes over and over... and sometimes..... misery~

i am not at all proud of a significant portion of my life journey thus far....there is quite a lot upon which i can and must improve when it comes to the way i live and love~ i don't want to just live out the rest of my life as i have lived the last score of years~.....the thought of that...fills me with the most profound sense of squandering of the blessings which i have been, by grace, given........ and dread~

today, is a day i knew would feel like a sad day, that i have procrastinated for a long time from an emotional perspective, and for a month or two from a tangible/logistical perspective. i finally mustered the courage to begin to "dig in"....go through clothing that no longer fits or no longer fits my life... ...photos, mementos, trinkets....that are tarnished both in their metal and their memory.....not only my own accumulation of "stuff".......but some of it belonging to those who have been my "family" as i have known it...~

never has my past felt so sad....my future felt so uncertain....
even so i can feel God near...and His eyes of love over me as i venture forth.....~

back to work for me...more...to follow~

to begin yet again....

a year or so ago i set up this blog...well..not actually this one...it was another one...but in any event~ i began a blog and never once posted to it. a bit of laziness perhaps...and it has been so much easier to use facebook status posts as a way to state what i might be feeling, experiencing, thinking...at any given moment~ but my thoughts there are confined by space and decorum...(although sometimes i know i cross over the edge of "sensitive"...to "dark and troubled")...so truth is this is a far better venue for heart spill, struggle, enlightenment, articulated confusion, confessed depression, personal thrill, and angst~


to all who enter~ i am blessed by your interest~ and thank you for peeking in to wander with me~* Godspeed...to us all~* <3