i am completely astonished to discover just now...as i peeked into this blog after being given a gift yesterday that is inscribed with the quote i use to name it, ...that it has been over a year since my last post~
i am let down by the realization that i felt so committed at that last entry to write here on a regular basis...and the opportunity to record my thoughts throughout this time, and use them for personal growth and hopefully some public good....has slipped through my "fingers"....and awareness~
in some ways ...this realization is an accurate portrayal of this last year of my life. i reflect upon it as i sit here...and although i find myself especially travel weary from this last year's daily living, i cannot claim any great progress of the journey of my mind or spirit~ worlds of thoughts as words swirl in my head every day of every hour i am even partially awake, and yet they are now even less than vapor, evaporated within the "collective unconscious"~ the chance to change and evolve from them....gone...poof!
although my awareness is heightened in some aspects of life, such as being able to envision the possibility of a more abundant life spiritually, intellectually , altruistically, artistically, they are rendered inert~ inspiration and intention that is left untouched by action. in some ways i think i have actually regressed in the progression of my life from an emotional and tangible perspective. by this i mean i am having significant flashes of less than beautiful emotions such as emotional jealously, short shortsightedness, and feelings of being overwhelmed. my anxiety is on high alert almost all the time, which leaves me nothing but exhausted at the end of each day, and wanting to escape some of my circumstances and challenges... and when i look to the future it appears sometimes like a mine field littered with my failures and my fears~ this is influencing my present...and i have decided right this moment...this is completely unacceptable!
i am not anywhere near to being as mature nor as secure, emotionally, spiritually, financially or otherwise~ nor accomplished as a sage in any areas of my life as i thought i would be by this time~ and although i feel my heart is often in the right place, my general lack of action and the inconsistency of my focus on a daily basis is somewhat disappointing.
i still speak when i should not , concerning this or that.., and remain silent and in retreat when i should rise to action about an injustice or cause. i find myself becoming more fear filled about everything, be it my health, the health of those i love, the world in general, and all the other myriad of things i cannot control. my real and daily world is becoming far too small.i used to be a complete "news hound" and sometimes now, i avoid it all together as it feels all too sad and upsetting and i feel useless to do anything but observe. the logistics of my life are also becoming minimized. i have to completely force myself to even want to drive or be driven anywhere that is at all unfamiliar or feels "dangerous" and i am seemingly content to miss experiences rather than deal with the inherent danger of travel among drivers who seem to be proceeding at too great a speed, or just aggressive and discourteous, and i find proceeding on the freeways or in any large crowd unpleasant and sometimes intolerable. i hate myself for the way this limits my experiences, and the malaise it encourages.
i am more aware and highly sensitized than ever to the fragility of human life. there is no lacking in the aspect that my heart is exceedingly grateful....so much so lately i often find myself in tears even when just driving down the street ....or at work, should a particular thought or memory cross my mind that manifests my love and care for someone, of theirs ever or now, for me~ i need to use this proclivity i have for emotional intensity for empowerment toward happiness...not just allow it to make me melancholy. i don't want to retreat to the perverse comfort of creating crisis out of less than ideal circumstances..i don't want to squander love or continue to complacently place any of my gifts and talents and passions on the inaction bookshelf. i love bookshelves...i love the way they look and i am content to view them, filled up with some books that are just for show, and not ever on my "have read list"....but this is not an "ok" metaphor for the composition of my ever fleeting life~
sometimes i feel it would most accurate to describe myself as 16 going on 80...and neither are accurate nor acceptable~....what is to be done?....with all this introspection?.....
i am not sure this moment...but i think i need to identify one small baby step forward as 2014 presents itself one week from today...and take it. i am at a fork in my own road...i can feel it....but i cannot allow it to sweep me off into the river rapids of life any longer...floating and sometimes drifting beneath the surface, gasping......i want a prayer life and relationship with God that is more than please God please God, please God, whew thank you God! ..i need to climb upon a raft..and navigate my wandering before i truly am...lost~......more to follow.....
