unworthy opponents

a wonderful therapist i worked with a number of years ago gave me some excellent advice as i was dealing with someone who was a profoundly negative influence in my life. he said it was folly and so harmful to create one person or situation to be the embodiment of all that was wrong with one's life circumstance. that the power to seek a path thru that, while still acknowledging the pain involved, was a far more healthy and better outcome choice. he pointed out i had other things to "fix", than to be totally fixated on this person, allowing them to rob me of my enjoyment of life and growing my ability to make healthy choices was to give them a power far more than they deserved, and to my great detriment. he was so right, because at the cost of great pain , i emptied my life of that person and severed our bond. and now they don't even exist on the planet, and yet who i was within that....how i behaved within that...still remains with me as does the influence of time wasted paralyzed by fear and hopelessness as an anvil upon my soul.



this , an important lesson i was reminded of today as i considered this circumstance in our nation right now, and the pivotal players on the world stage right now...and our collective reaction to them. so many of us, and no one more obnoxiously so than i, have placed so much of our feelings about life and our future with the election of one or another of these candidates.



trump is this...clinton is that...the passion we feel, the frustration and anger and fear we allow to reside within us of the impact the election of one or the other of them would have on our very lives...the lives of our children and grandchildren present or yet to be...the very survival of our nation as we have known it...as our forefaters intended it to be ..or not. it's brutal stuff...it's devastating to have so much hinge on who will be our President in 2016. they are unworthy for such ultimate power.



even despots such as stalin, hitler, and the like, earthly resident evil....as we saw in them...see now in all radical hateful behavior... ....were not so influential in an of themselves, as were the power they harnessed through their followers and the banner carries of their philosophy and their will.

my therapist was so right....it is folly to attribute to, and ransom our future to, the fear of what might be by the election of one or another individual. will they have influence....?


yes. will their impact possibly be substantial?..yes. but what we forget it that either one of them could drop off the face of the earth tomorrow, and we are still who and what we have been, are, and are yet to be, as an individual and as a nation. we still have other things within our lives for which to rejoice and also to "fix" within this journey. as an old song by kenny loggins states..."you make the choice in how it goes"...and we do.



no matter who is elected president , it is likely the world will not change so much that you will no longer recognize our nation..life as we know it will be relatively unchanged. our constitution will not be completely dismantled, our choices will not feel instantly limited, our legal weapons will not be immediately confiscated, and hopefully families will not be ripped apart by immediate inhumane, deportations...and hearing "may the odds be ever in your favor" is likely not eminent. judges will not reign with decisions unconstrained. I'm not indulging in naivety...it just isn't the complete belly flop into entropy that our mass hysteria has perpetrated.



most of us all still each have a conscience....we can stem any destructive tide. we will still each house our passions and govern what is sacrosanct to us. we still will have our families...our memories and experiences with love and those we love now in our lives. God will still be in His Heaven.....( to me, at least...this is the most important aspect of all)



the true gifts of our lives and our country are not embodied in one or the other of these candidates. only our fear, and the suspicion and discord and pure paranoia it can breed...will impede us from a happy fulfilling future no matter who wins this election this time. it is not a good choice, to give the power of the content and context of our lives, to either candidate. they are not worthy. no single person is. we have other matters which to attend in our lives...other things to "fix"....to address as part of our unique personal set of lessons....and we do have a choice...of how it goes.



the best parts of us...can triumph no matter who or what. the true imperative, is that we cannot ever give that power away. <3

a wandering ....

hardly Pulitzer Prize
potential ..;) ....nonetheless ....the start of a story ? or a poem complete unto itself ..not sure ...but it spoke itself  into my
mind and I had to write it down...... somewhere :)❤️



knowing, within concept   she could look to no one else

who could be held more accountable than herself...she peered over the cliff. terrified of heights , yet   in faith that  she would

not fall by accident .... she,  with great resistance, hesitancy  and fear, ...stepped forward.  she  sighted ascending sky lanterns aglow with  miracles,  attached to ribbons of courage..and knowing there was no other direction to go but to reach for one ..stepped forward and submitted  to a free fall into her circumstance.....

beggars and choosers.....

....I was witness this afternoon to the worlds oldest profession being conducted in a local grocery store parking lot today, and it tugged on my heart with power and might . I don't mean prostitution ,which is what most of us think of when that phrase is used , but rather I saw a family begging . Wikipedia states that" begging has existed since before recorded human history", and certainly the Bible makes reference to it many times . Christ on more than one occasion encounters beggars and highlights them in his interaction amd teaching .

Today ...here they were in the center of "the bubble" as our children call it ...a woman ..a little boy..a man with a small hand written sign that says in black marker  that he is out of work amd needs money for rent. The words at the end of the sign say "God bless" .
Meek,humble ,suffering...is what the name "beggar " connotes ...and those sensations struck like lightening from my eyes to my heart as I first drive by . And that's what I did..I drove by ...knowing I had some cash right beside me...and the voice of what I think most of us commonly call "reason" began its soliloquy . Are they authentic ? Is this actually a ploy to get drug money? There are programs to help these people...what is their REAL agenda? Is this even their child? Are they really even  a family? I consider myself an idealist ..and some have called me gullible , but I do have a suspicious voice which resonates inside my head more often than I might care to admit ...and that part of my nature would not be stilled .   I started to circle to leave the parking lot to exit ...but the hearts stings affixed to the sight tethered me back to where they stood . I knew my doubt and judgement of these people would haunt me all day if I simply drove home .

I returned to where they stood , parked my car ...quickly got out and introduced myself to them. I asked some details of their plight and their names so I could pray for them..I handed them a modest amount of legal tender ...asked what sort of work the man did. He stated he was an auto mechanic . He had lost his job lat month, rent for this month was past due . We exchanged no further details but I could sense  his anger and frustration and victimization. Very heartwarming to see other citizens of the realm walk by them and hand them cash...cans of food... A drink box of juice for the little boy. We here in irvine are great at our projects and causes ...but this was the real deal ...People emerging from their infamous irvine emotional sequestering from poverty and dispair and responding in anonymity to a cry of need . I think in some ways this was the biggest blessing of all to the whole matter .

There is nothing especially good or noble about me in this experience today,  and willing as I am to see and learn lessons even in writing  this I feel I am more than a bit of a narcissist .  the noble ones are these three beggars ...no matter the what  Or why of what brought them to it today ..and might again tomorrow. Their true reasons are  none of my concern . They have the servants heart ...not I . This sounds obsequious I know ..but I could not mean this more ...I had bright vibrant visions today of the less lofty parts of myself ...I say this  humbled and with gratitude...

I returned to my car instantly  grateful for the opportunity of a teaching  moment  lavished upon me. Grateful I overcame the voice of reason..for it was due to a benevolent Patient Holy Lord ...so greater than myself .that  the following has  flooded my awareness in the short drive home and since ....I have been to this place of desperate and nearly ready to beg for money for my family.  one day about 20 years ago and even recently ..I considered standing at the 405 amd Jamboree exit ready to hand out Stephen's resume or hold my own sign imploring help with rent . and knew the unique agony and the  fear of not being able to provide all I wished to for my children...even right here in 25 years of living in idyllic irvine with all the best of every opportunity having been lavished at my feet and  regretfully and now, repentively, much of it squandered  ..., I've had my own hidden agendas in life and love and other bonds ...I've lived through job loss ...that was due to my own errors amd deficits in character ...I've conjured surruptitious plots to advance my cause of one form or another  .ive begged God and humans alike to fix things for me ...audibly or in silence .. for what I feel I want and need

feeling a great big helping on my plate held out of "woe is me" ..and  yet .....no matter .....God ..The God Who Saves...  has provided me with so much grace and miraculous tangible provision I am
presently living  in awe of these things  every hour of every day. ...and in the days to come...I need to
Reach out of myself ...no further indulgent  self assessment dialectic needed ...I just need to reach out ...and allow God to use me to help more and freely.... in prayer  word and deed.

olympic tarnished gold

i most usually use this blog space for introspection/self evaluation/...confession and emotional overspill...but the last few days a rant of sorts has been burgeoning in my brain...and i decided to set it free by airing it in this place~

the thoughts i am about to express are likely NOT....going to be popular, and i am fairly certain would likely invoke the indignation of many...but i am indifferent to opinion here, as i plunge head first into the iconoclastic sea....

i find the present winter olympic games taking place in Sohci, frivolous and banal, and i am starting to think olympic games as they are presently crafted, should be discontinued entirely.

there is no point in dwelling too deeply within the inherent security risks. they do seem to be more candidly discussed and revealed in these olympics, but the olympic games presenting as a target for violent political statements and aggressive terrorist agendas, has been a clear a present danger for decades. i would have been completely supportive for the olympics being called off this year in general, and as the stage was being set weeks ago, the fear of some completely atrocious act of violence violating the olympic games this year was enough of a reason in my mind,  for  calling for an end to the games altogether.

as things have proceeded, and the events and days of the games marched by, i have had my primary concerns about feeling the games simply were not worth the risk, grown even more large due to other issues not having anything to do with terrorism whatsoever.

it is more really...that the games , to my view, have become diminished as classically competitive or demonstrative of excellence between countries and individuals, and have more become about personal ego. replacing the ancient spirit of testing the limits of human endurance and disciplines, many events are now abundantly comprised of perfectly ridiculous events that serve no greater purpose than to demonstrate how willing an individual is to be a dare-devil than truly an athletic competitor.  many of the "athletes" who have won medals in these events appear to be purely in it for themselves, not their country. they seem like adolescents at often dangerous play, even though many of them are in late 20's and 30's.  when they win ,they resemble spoiled children who just pushed someone out onto the floor and been declared the winner in a perverse game of musical chairs, more than a competitor who has persevered and triumphed within a respectable discipline. moreover,. hundreds of thousands of dollars...giving way to hundreds of million dollars spent, (or squandered by my view) are spent by the host country, the teams of each country, and by individuals themselves. and to what end? and to what example to future generations?

the money spent on opening and closing ceremonies alone, could probably end world hunger for at least a few months time if not longer as the the propaganda of the country take the world stage.  the construction of the competitive fields, equipment, clothing, transportation cost, "training" etc could also so be utilized in a more useful and altruistic as well as practical manner to benefit the citizens of this planet.. events such as free style skiing, snow boarding events  that are essentially something that looks like a skate board park made of ice, and the infamous skeleton, are unnecessarily dangerous, and do not demonstrate much more than to what level of recklessness some individuals are prone and  willing to devote their lives and significant resources . i do not blame these individuals for their attitude and sense of entitlement to such indulgence. they are only responding to what the crowd will "pay"....if someone would pay me to cultivate my penchants and avoid the mantel of common day responsibilities and travails...i likely would do it too.and i do not doubt that many of them do feel a pride and loyalty to our country, or whatever country from which they hail...but they are not expressing it with any moving or uplifting form of social conscience,or awareness, nor care for any larger humanitarian view other than personal pride.

true, there are all sort of activities and frivolities that take place every hour of ever day. we purchase things, surround ourselves with comforts
 that could, and often should, go to toward a greater good. however these things to not take place on the world stage, for so many days in succession, and at such an "international" level, at at such acclaim.

i could go on...and on about this..and i shall not. i think i have adequately expunged my primary contention with the modern day olympic games. and i know my words espoused here will not create any change or promote any particular enlightenment...and i long ago accepted my impotence in bringing any meaningful change to the planet at large.  it has been sad for me on a personal level , though, to feel about the olympic games this year very much as the way i view the wars in which we find our country engaged....supportive of the troops, but not supportive of the reason nor the manner....in which they "fight"~

not lost perhaps...but floundering~

i am completely astonished to discover just now...as i peeked into this blog after being given a gift yesterday that is inscribed with the quote i use to name it,  ...that it has been over a year since my last post~ 
i am let down by the realization that i felt so committed at that last entry to write  here on a regular basis...and the opportunity to record my thoughts throughout this time, and use them for personal growth and hopefully some public good....has slipped through my "fingers"....and awareness~

in some ways ...this realization is an accurate portrayal of this last year of my life. i reflect upon it as i sit here...and although i find myself especially travel weary from this last year's daily living, i cannot claim any great progress of the journey of my mind or spirit~ worlds of thoughts as words swirl in my head every day of every hour i am even partially awake, and yet they are now even less than vapor,  evaporated within the "collective unconscious"~ the chance to change and evolve from them....gone...poof!

although my awareness is heightened in some aspects of life, such as being able to envision the possibility of a more abundant life spiritually, intellectually , altruistically, artistically, they are rendered inert~  inspiration and intention that is left untouched by action.  in some ways i think i have actually regressed in the progression of my life from an emotional and tangible perspective. by this i mean i am having significant flashes of less than beautiful emotions such as emotional jealously, short shortsightedness, and feelings of being overwhelmed. my anxiety is on high alert almost all the time, which leaves me nothing but exhausted at the end of each day, and wanting to escape some of my circumstances and challenges... and when i look to the future it appears sometimes like a mine field littered with my failures and my fears~ this is influencing my present...and i have decided right this moment...this is completely unacceptable!

i am not anywhere near to being as mature nor as secure, emotionally, spiritually, financially or otherwise~ nor accomplished as a sage in any areas of my life as i thought i would be by this time~ and although i feel my heart is often in the right place, my general lack of action and the inconsistency of my focus on a daily basis is somewhat disappointing. 

i still speak when i should not , concerning this or that.., and remain silent and in retreat when i should rise to action about an injustice or cause.  i find myself becoming more fear filled about everything, be it my health, the health of those i love, the world in general, and all the other myriad of things i cannot control. my real and daily world is becoming far too small.i used to be a complete "news hound" and sometimes now, i avoid it all together as it feels all too sad and upsetting and i feel useless to do anything but observe.  the logistics of my life are also becoming minimized.  i have to completely force myself to even want to drive or be driven anywhere that is at all unfamiliar or feels "dangerous" and i am seemingly content to miss experiences rather than deal with the inherent danger of travel among drivers who seem to be proceeding at too great a speed, or just aggressive and discourteous, and i find proceeding on the freeways or in any large crowd unpleasant and sometimes intolerable. i hate myself for the way this limits my experiences, and the malaise it encourages.

i am more aware and highly sensitized than ever to the fragility of human life. there is no lacking in the aspect that my heart is exceedingly grateful....so much so lately i often find myself in tears even when just driving down the street ....or at work, should a particular thought or memory cross my mind that manifests my love and care for someone, of theirs ever or now, for me~ i need to use this proclivity i have for emotional intensity for empowerment toward happiness...not just allow it to make me melancholy. i don't want to retreat to the perverse comfort of creating crisis out of less than ideal circumstances..i don't want to squander love or continue to complacently place any of my gifts and talents and passions on the inaction bookshelf. i love bookshelves...i love the way they look and i am content to view them, filled up with some books that are just for show, and not ever on my "have read list"....but this is not an "ok" metaphor for the composition of my ever fleeting life~  

sometimes i feel it would most accurate to describe myself as 16 going on 80...and neither are accurate nor acceptable~....what is to be done?....with all this introspection?.....

i am not sure this moment...but i think i need to identify one small baby step forward as 2014 presents itself one week from today...and take it. i am at a fork in my own road...i can feel it....but i cannot allow it to sweep me off  into the  river rapids of life any longer...floating and sometimes drifting beneath the surface, gasping......i want a prayer life and relationship with God that is more than please God please God, please God, whew thank you God! ..i need to climb upon a raft..and navigate my wandering before i truly am...lost~......more to follow..... 

a handful~

"What can you ever really know of other people's souls—of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands."
~ Mere Christianity


i don't know about anyone else...but...so often i think i know what is in someones..."soul"....what makes them react the way they do...or i assume i know what they might be thinking or feeling. i predicate all sort of opinion, reaction and choice upon those assessments....~ i allow it to alter my own feelings or emotions of the moment, or on any given subject~ or within any relationship.  i will think all too easily" i know what they really meant"...and sometimes i even think i understand better than they understand themselves~this sort of flawed perception can change the foundation of a lifetime, and can sometimes hold me prisoner in a murky sea of oversensitivity and assumption.

since i was a small girl, i have had the habit when riding in a car at night, especially as a passenger, to look into the windows of the homes and apartments along the way~ peeking into the lighted open windows as i whisk by...wondering who is within...who they are? how long they lived there? who do they love..how will they die?... what are they like?....what is their life story?....and a myriad of other fantasy wonderings~  this is a creative thing...a whimsical speeding by car in my head storytelling....

deciding upon the life and composition of a soul in this way is harmless....however, when i transition this to my real life, and my actual encounters, those casual and deeply meaningful, it no longer is an extension of my active mind, but a presumptuous and serious error that can cause damage and discouragement to myself and others.

we cannot know the mind of God, nor can we know the essence of any soul, and exactly how and why God has knit their fibers to become the tapestry of who they are and how they are, in His eternal plan, meant to be~

as C.S. so wisely said....the truth is, it is all i can do to hold my own soul and fate...in my own hands. should i need to grasp at another soul... with those same hands..it should not be in expectation or assessment....rather,.....it should only be...as a gesture...... of extension of acceptance and grace~ <3

independent of any other thing....

4th of July....Independence Day....always has been a day of import and remembrance in my experience~my early 1960's elementary school experience....lavishly immersed in the era of John Kennedy Camelot enchantment filled my little child's heart with wonder and pride to be an American....and the holiday manifest even better than that in my usually deeply tumultuous and troubled home life~

it was a holiday of import to my family....and the one i loved most~and here is why: there were no expectations of gifts and presentations harbored by my mother within which i could (usually) by her estimation, fail with what she perceived as malice of intention on my part......no religious conflicts between my convicted by God to love God heart and my parent's atheistic proclivities~ the food was traditional and delicious.and i didn't receive any dirty looks about indulging in a second hot dog nor was i told i didn't "need" to eat that cookie or cake......and we had company over...a welcome relief .and not our "normal" family dinner......as i knew i would not be abused verbally...my face would not be slapped for an innocent slip of the tongue...nor would i be sentenced with punitive banishment in front of any gathering extended between we 4..(although i knew to be on very most perfect behavior or there would be hell to pay once the crowd had departed).. and usually decorations were purchased, tables decorated festively..the knowledge that summer was ahead and the pressure of school and homework and feeling like the oddest child in the classroom was blissfully postponed for what seemed as though it was an eon ahead...i was proud of my mother in these moments as she displayed her prowess as a highly accomplished cook and hostess....and there was the best part of all....the home ignited fireworks!

we didn't have big public firework displays in our little san francisco peninsula town....but rather some amazing huge package of personal fiery delights purchased by my father with great pride. it brought tears to my eyes and bittersweet  feeling to my heart even as the most tiny girl...because i knew that he grew up so very poor...and i could sense that gave him the most wonderful feeling to be able to provide the biggest and best display for his children~

my brother and i would anxiously wait until the first hint of nightfall.....watching the clock minute by minute and begging my father with our hopeful rationalizations to let us light off just one snake...or smoky joe....a sparkler...something .....we could barely stand the anticipation and then finally it would be "dark enough"...and we would venture out into the street with our treasures....and one by one light, gasp, exclaim with disappointment or delight depending...judging the worthiness of each firework upon the sound and the height of the flames and sparks...we were allowed by him to even strike the matches..and  were literally playing with fire..and it was nothing short of exhilarating ~  and all around my awareness floated an unusual feeling of well being and happiness that remains with me to this day as i stand under or a midst any fireworks display ~

and when the night was done...the company vanished...the spell of wonder and the still of my usual anxiety ridden awareness lingered softly...an empty torn, and tattered by fire remnant of one firework or sparkler able to been seen in the streetlight shadow from my desk to my bed.....a relic to remind me through the next 364 days...that a magickal night awaited me in my future....and hope and happiness...was possible ...always~

more to follow~