observance of an anniversary~

april 17th...a day that will live in infamy..perhaps i over state...as it was not nearly as destructive  as Pearl Harbor  but "infamous' in a personal manner of speaking this was the day, that 57 years ago, my parents wed.  reflecting upon their union is nearly the only space where my negative, sarcastic and hopeless aspects of self...flourish. it was truly a match made in hell...and there is a certain camaraderie in "hell"..i would imagine by it's inhabitants...and that did too exist between my mother and father...but it was not at all "light" based...but in nearly every aspect was an offspring of darkness.


it's true...i was not privy to whatever moments they shared that might have been genuinely loving or tender or supportive and reflective of "love"  ...and i am certain there were a few...i was witness to more than several times where they strove to make the other "happy"...but usually this was in the provision of material things or other tangible measurements. and in the times in between their bond was profoundly destructive and long suffering...the operative word being "suffering"...


i had the good fortune, and misfortune, of having a very adult type relationship with my father from the time i was a very little girl. this arose mostly from his complete lack of companionship from my mother due to her mental illness. nothing commonly known as inappropriate ever occurred...but he did tap into my sensitivities and intuitive gifts to draw me close...and i knew far too much of his agony and angst in his marriage with my mother....i never did just get to be a "child"....observing and feeling safe within their marriage...but rather a pawn who they both moved deftly on the chess board of our family dynamic~ and i played my part well and willingly to be my fathers sacred confidant....dangerous dangerous emotional stuff...




i have never in all my observances, known two individuals who were so poorly suited to one another. my father was a devout man of honor in his way....but weak  and grossly unprepared from his own upbringing of neglect and abuse to cope with the likes of my mother and her Machiavellian pathological proclivities..born of what i am sure was her own experiences of abuse......tortured souls....both. so so so very sad.


i'll spare any reader here the grim details of their life together....but suffice it to say they lived within misery, and called it normal. what misery they did not create, was perpetuated upon them by some unknown but deeply felt malevolent energy source.......and left both their children reeling into adulthood with a sole similar mission to never ever duplicate that which we had known of "marriage" and "family"....


and fortunately, divinely so, truly by the grace of The Lord God Almighty....we were both led to our place within the palm of God's hand....and i would chose my destiny again with all it's horrors, and i know my brother would too....to find in the Father and Blessed Mother of Jesus...the parental figures, and abiding examples of true love we lacked as children....ultra idealistic and  examples of immaculate perfection...but they drew us out of our upbringing and onto the potential of living on a higher plane....
....
i guess in this way i do thank my parents for their unwitting sacrifice for our eventual salvation...i do not know why God plucked me up as He did...but He did....and my beloved brother too...incredibly loving and generous people have been brought into both our lives since we were small, and as someone i was conversing with recently said to me..and he was very correct...in these ways i have led a "charmed" life~ ...Heaven illuminating our path out of the darkness and symbiotic agony of our parents' bond.... ...i do hope with my deepest heart that wherever the awareness of their souls do now reside, they know i am grateful they did have a union and although i don't understand why either of them chose to exist in that union until death they did part...i am grateful in my way....and.i have certainly had my own failures when it comes to love and marriage and life in general.....so in this way i do have an empathy i once lacked....


i hope ..they feel my sincere heartache for them....and my prayer for their eternal "rest" in peace....on this their anniversary...and every day~ 

new wanderings...

months and months have passed....and i am now on the other side of what felt as though it would be the endless purge, sort, relocate, anguish, adjust, accept and dwell in the past interval of these recent times of my life~  perhaps i can now start chronicling my thoughts and experiences and lessons and eternal conundrums...here?.....just very possibly~  <3

sunday~

i am much too young and much too old to be where i find myself today within my life. i am sorting and purging and organizing my personal effects, and with my usual dramatic flare, i hear the voice within my head articulate that it rather feels as though i am prematurely starting the digging of my own grave~and end...to life in the common way it feels to all of we mortals~

 i have moved 19 times in 32 years...and many times prior to the start of that chronicling~.and there have even been times in my journey where i have been "homeless"......but this time...it is different. this time it feels more like "dismantling" than just regular moving preparation. so much has changed in my life in the last year and in the lives of the people i love. i am terrible at ending things...and now the day has come to roost where endings are inevitable and now i am clear as to why i avoid ending at all cost.

 simply....they hurt.

and although i always pride myself on the level of physical discomfort i can tolerate...i am obviously a complete wimp when it comes to emotional pain. this fact, as i just realized today, is most especially intriguing to me from an intellectual perspective because i feel i have spent most of my conscious life since i was a very small child IN...emotional pain. One would think i would have a tolerance for that sort of pain as well...did the Refiners fire not temper met at all???  but it is instead, the antithesis.

as instead i feel inside myself i am always at a saturation point...and just one more stab to my heart, or worry, of concern, or feeling of failure and it will be the proverbial "straw" that sends me falling head first from the camel's back....... and so i hold onto EVERYTHING for dear life...even when the ride is bumpy, uncomfortable, and goes nowhere but in circles of lack of personal growth...the same mistakes over and over... and sometimes..... misery~

i am not at all proud of a significant portion of my life journey thus far....there is quite a lot upon which i can and must improve when it comes to the way i live and love~ i don't want to just live out the rest of my life as i have lived the last score of years~.....the thought of that...fills me with the most profound sense of squandering of the blessings which i have been, by grace, given........ and dread~

today, is a day i knew would feel like a sad day, that i have procrastinated for a long time from an emotional perspective, and for a month or two from a tangible/logistical perspective. i finally mustered the courage to begin to "dig in"....go through clothing that no longer fits or no longer fits my life... ...photos, mementos, trinkets....that are tarnished both in their metal and their memory.....not only my own accumulation of "stuff".......but some of it belonging to those who have been my "family" as i have known it...~

never has my past felt so sad....my future felt so uncertain....
even so i can feel God near...and His eyes of love over me as i venture forth.....~

back to work for me...more...to follow~

to begin yet again....

a year or so ago i set up this blog...well..not actually this one...it was another one...but in any event~ i began a blog and never once posted to it. a bit of laziness perhaps...and it has been so much easier to use facebook status posts as a way to state what i might be feeling, experiencing, thinking...at any given moment~ but my thoughts there are confined by space and decorum...(although sometimes i know i cross over the edge of "sensitive"...to "dark and troubled")...so truth is this is a far better venue for heart spill, struggle, enlightenment, articulated confusion, confessed depression, personal thrill, and angst~


to all who enter~ i am blessed by your interest~ and thank you for peeking in to wander with me~* Godspeed...to us all~* <3