illusion or oasis

my thoughts were grasped this morning by this quote from the bible....i am lifting it very out of context, but it stands alone in erudite poignant beauty....

"More tortuous than all else is the human heart,
beyond remedy;
who can understand it?"
 Jeremiah 17:9

there are other translations ...but this is the one that landed in my soul.
it goes on to say:
"i, the Lord search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct
according to what their deeds deserve."

i'm going to let that second part go for today...but just for the sake of the entirety of thought, i do want to comment, that i do not see that as admonishing nor threatening, but rather the pronouncement of God's omnipotence, and omniscience in our lives...and i actually perceive that as a good thing...
because if we are not fully known and fully understood by our Creator...who will fully know and understand us? there are so many impediments in the evolutionary aspects of essence that impedes even our full knowing of ourselves. it is of comfort to me...that Someone....does!....

but to return to the realities of the torturous quality of the human heart...
it does feel beyond remedy a lot of the time to me...i don't understand my own heart or anyone's ...and don't presume to.  i doubt my own self more than i doubt any other.
i grapple, and sort, and process, and examine...
overthink....withhold expressions of my feelings...attach and fail to detach...mitigate my pathologies with salve that improves my perception of how things feel upon my mortal flesh...but are essentially no more than a sticky mess to remove when they are no longer effective.

i reach for a higher plane, or try to most of the time...my "higher self"...but i land crashing too often without warning...in an alice down the rabbit hole sort of fashion. not really understanding how i arrived flat on my ass in some strange space, and no idea how to extracate myself from it...

so i search. i go thru the looking glass....and try to cope with the world i see before me. the answers that are riddles....the strange creatures and the confusing things they say....the signs that only confuse me more...i lean this way...and that way........i'm lost at this point in trying to understand myself to make way thru my situation with any amount of grace or ease.

this is the present tortuous state of my human heart. i'm overcome by it presently. i carry on. but every breath is a battle some moments. what are my lessons? i am not a creature knitted to "let go"....i don't even know what that means, or would feel like. i search for clarity...for the way out..or through..i don't care...i just don't want to be in this space any longer .

not to depend too much on the five books of moses today....but for illustration .....i will share one of my favorite stories, which is the one of hagar in the desert. if you know me at all in real life i have used this at least once in explaining my life experience to you...because it is to universal in it's application to those of us who wander.....lost at any particular moment, or not....

hagar has been banished from her home, and her protection under abraham, with her son ishmael, because sara has now born issac, and it no longer seems to suit her that her own idea to have her husband bring forth a child with another woman was a workable concept. circumstances have changed. feelings and emotions have shifted. she is no longer wanted. in fact, she is completely shunned. her life is never to be the same. this season is completed . she has played her part and she is summarily dismissed .

so hagar and young ishmael are sent off into the desert...just the two of them. can you imagine? the heat, the dust, the complete desolation....the rejection, confusion....it's own sort of "rabbit hole"...in every sense. she hungers for release from her wandering. they are thirsty, they are dirty...they are completely exhausted and feeling hopeless. she cries out for an answer ....for an oasis...her precious son on the verge of death from the harsh elements they have endured....and she looks as far into the future as she might...and there is no illumination to the end of her suffering sojourn. she just wants the pain to end...but how? she's doing all she can. she is trudging alone every day trying to make headway on her journey to arrive ...somewhere...anywhere...but it is endless. her son is crying. she begs the Almighty for release...for a sign....

and then...finally...there it is. an angel appears. the angel explains hagar need not be afraid. God has heard her prayers....there is a blessing about to be bestowed . and then ...in an instant...there is the water. the oasis....and they are saved. they are released to proceed upon their lives as destined.
and Hagar is remind by the angel...that the release from agony was actually always in her view...but she simply could not see it.

i have been to the down the rabbit hole and into the desert several significant times in my life. each time...i am no different than hagar. i want an answer. i want my problem solved. i want release. i want to just know what release really is...and how to feel it...experience it..own it.....but it waxes elusive. i am presently in such a place. of self recriminations and conundrums....of living my life like  Benjamin Button ...living it backwards...trying to get it right. trying to go backwards and see. trying too hard sometimes. it's exhausting and colossally discouraging. it's like continuing to solve rubics cube when you're color blind.

but "you can't hurry love"...sometimes the  striving to carry on another footstep is the lesson.....and sometimes the only lesson is patience and working toward a general sort of personal growth. sometimes God's timing, which is perfect....is something we want to rush. we will see and release our suffering... when we have the eyes. when we have the eyes the vail will lift....and our relief will come in splashes of sweet water upon our lips and into our parched mouths. i believe this. i see this. i draw this oasis to myself today...and prayers for you to do so in your heart's tortures.......as well. <3

the wrong sort of fireworks...

i love 4th of july. you can read in my early blog a few years ago as to tell you part of why.


i love the fireworks most of all, traditionally speaking. but this year, i see them nearly every day flying from the white house, and they are of completely the wrong sort.


"independence day"...in our country, has been important to my family for all my life. all 4 of my grandparents came here to flee oppression and religious discrimination. every male in my family just short of this generation served in the armed services, and were proud and strong in it's mission. it was a time to enjoy the meaning of day, the festivities, and feel especially grateful to be an American. this year...it's incredibly bitter sweet. and this is my only political post of any sort until the holiday is past...but here it is....


it's impossible to enjoy all i ever have previously about this national holiday given the current "so called" "leadership" in our country. if no other abomination had been present, just the last few days of behavior from the white house, in all it's various forms via representatives, surrogates, and the inhabitant of the oval office himself, it would have been enough to grieve my heart.

not that in any way any of us should be surprised...given the gross demonstrations of his lack of good character, dignity, and discernment since the campaign began several years ago. and yet....we are. i think one of the most difficult experiences has been to see good and otherwise decent people, emerge as those who are either willing to remain silent about it, or secretly, and often not so secretly, actually endorse and support the vicious rhetoric and the shameless fascist propaganda that is promulgated on a nearly daily basis from this president and his surrogates. it is a peculiar and deeply disturbing phenomena to see it so embraced as "truth" by so many people i know and so many more i do not know. i truly never...thought i would see this ...here. ever.


i am somewhat encouraged that at least finally, members of the republican party are joining the outcry, and are speaking out to admonish the white house for the manner in which #45 is using the social media platform "twitter"....but it is too little too late to say the least!


until this last election, i was a republican since i was 18 years old, very involved in politics to a fairly high level on occasion, and a more or less conservative one at that. that said, in the last decade, my affiliation has waned. as i have emereged thru my life journey i have found incompatible phiolosphies. i have always supported feminist issues, although i am "right to life"....that value has always extended to the entire span of life, not just birth. i have compassion and feel a duty to serve and care for the "poor"....be it in economics, spirit, or any other way. i have a heart for refugees. i think black lives matter, and i am in favor of marriage equality. nonetheless, the republican party was my party of choice until their choices, specifically in this last election go round, become so abhorant, i could not longer support them at all.


so .....having said that, you can see why it saddens me to see and hear what they have become in the last two years. a party of the bully.....the sanctimonious self righteoussness, and compliant, by their overall silence , to the behavior and dictates of the current executive administaion of this county.


nothing....truly...nothing....will change for the better until the republican legislators currently serving, stand up strong and tall and united and say....they will NOT support any legislation important to this administration, including of the surreptitious agendas of some of the advisors, cabinet members etc, and republican party leadership states emphatically they will NOT allow their party to nominate this incumbent president for 2020 re-election, unless he ceases and desists immediately his deprecations and behaviors unacceptable to the office he holds.


the fact his supporters continue to support him...and even endorse his vitriol, has gotten to a point where i am so deeply grieved by their destructive and unilateral support of him, i cannot even maintain anything more than superficial friendships with anyone who condones this run amok and disgracefully behaving administration.


let #45 run apart from the republican party. let him form his own party. whatever. but for the sake of the mercy of heaven....please....do not allow this sort of conduct nor 45 personally, to become any more normalized in our country than he already is. it is time to stand strong republicans!!!! you are not accomplishing anything worthwhile legislatively, no matter!


the anathema of this presidency thus far, to all who have any shred of decency and dignity....must be proclaimed, and it must be rejected and summarily shunned because soon...we will all be lost to the destruction of our beloved country and our mission in the world....and it will be far, far.... too late for the redemption of all that we have ever been that is good and decent as a country. we need to reclaim to shine for each of our citizens...and also be a country  who shines in the world. although we utilized them specifically on the 4th of july, as spoken of in our national anthem, as symbols of the fight that ensued to be free.....in our world today,  "fireworks"  on our shores, should shed only light....not destruction.

unworthy opponents

a wonderful therapist i worked with a number of years ago gave me some excellent advice as i was dealing with someone who was a profoundly negative influence in my life. he said it was folly and so harmful to create one person or situation to be the embodiment of all that was wrong with one's life circumstance. that the power to seek a path thru that, while still acknowledging the pain involved, was a far more healthy and better outcome choice. he pointed out i had other things to "fix", than to be totally fixated on this person, allowing them to rob me of my enjoyment of life and growing my ability to make healthy choices was to give them a power far more than they deserved, and to my great detriment. he was so right, because at the cost of great pain , i emptied my life of that person and severed our bond. and now they don't even exist on the planet, and yet who i was within that....how i behaved within that...still remains with me as does the influence of time wasted paralyzed by fear and hopelessness as an anvil upon my soul.



this , an important lesson i was reminded of today as i considered this circumstance in our nation right now, and the pivotal players on the world stage right now...and our collective reaction to them. so many of us, and no one more obnoxiously so than i, have placed so much of our feelings about life and our future with the election of one or another of these candidates.



trump is this...clinton is that...the passion we feel, the frustration and anger and fear we allow to reside within us of the impact the election of one or the other of them would have on our very lives...the lives of our children and grandchildren present or yet to be...the very survival of our nation as we have known it...as our forefaters intended it to be ..or not. it's brutal stuff...it's devastating to have so much hinge on who will be our President in 2016. they are unworthy for such ultimate power.



even despots such as stalin, hitler, and the like, earthly resident evil....as we saw in them...see now in all radical hateful behavior... ....were not so influential in an of themselves, as were the power they harnessed through their followers and the banner carries of their philosophy and their will.

my therapist was so right....it is folly to attribute to, and ransom our future to, the fear of what might be by the election of one or another individual. will they have influence....?


yes. will their impact possibly be substantial?..yes. but what we forget it that either one of them could drop off the face of the earth tomorrow, and we are still who and what we have been, are, and are yet to be, as an individual and as a nation. we still have other things within our lives for which to rejoice and also to "fix" within this journey. as an old song by kenny loggins states..."you make the choice in how it goes"...and we do.



no matter who is elected president , it is likely the world will not change so much that you will no longer recognize our nation..life as we know it will be relatively unchanged. our constitution will not be completely dismantled, our choices will not feel instantly limited, our legal weapons will not be immediately confiscated, and hopefully families will not be ripped apart by immediate inhumane, deportations...and hearing "may the odds be ever in your favor" is likely not eminent. judges will not reign with decisions unconstrained. I'm not indulging in naivety...it just isn't the complete belly flop into entropy that our mass hysteria has perpetrated.



most of us all still each have a conscience....we can stem any destructive tide. we will still each house our passions and govern what is sacrosanct to us. we still will have our families...our memories and experiences with love and those we love now in our lives. God will still be in His Heaven.....( to me, at least...this is the most important aspect of all)



the true gifts of our lives and our country are not embodied in one or the other of these candidates. only our fear, and the suspicion and discord and pure paranoia it can breed...will impede us from a happy fulfilling future no matter who wins this election this time. it is not a good choice, to give the power of the content and context of our lives, to either candidate. they are not worthy. no single person is. we have other matters which to attend in our lives...other things to "fix"....to address as part of our unique personal set of lessons....and we do have a choice...of how it goes.



the best parts of us...can triumph no matter who or what. the true imperative, is that we cannot ever give that power away. <3

a wandering ....

hardly Pulitzer Prize
potential ..;) ....nonetheless ....the start of a story ? or a poem complete unto itself ..not sure ...but it spoke itself  into my
mind and I had to write it down...... somewhere :)❤️



knowing, within concept   she could look to no one else

who could be held more accountable than herself...she peered over the cliff. terrified of heights , yet   in faith that  she would

not fall by accident .... she,  with great resistance, hesitancy  and fear, ...stepped forward.  she  sighted ascending sky lanterns aglow with  miracles,  attached to ribbons of courage..and knowing there was no other direction to go but to reach for one ..stepped forward and submitted  to a free fall into her circumstance.....

beggars and choosers.....

....I was witness this afternoon to the worlds oldest profession being conducted in a local grocery store parking lot today, and it tugged on my heart with power and might . I don't mean prostitution ,which is what most of us think of when that phrase is used , but rather I saw a family begging . Wikipedia states that" begging has existed since before recorded human history", and certainly the Bible makes reference to it many times . Christ on more than one occasion encounters beggars and highlights them in his interaction amd teaching .

Today ...here they were in the center of "the bubble" as our children call it ...a woman ..a little boy..a man with a small hand written sign that says in black marker  that he is out of work amd needs money for rent. The words at the end of the sign say "God bless" .
Meek,humble ,suffering...is what the name "beggar " connotes ...and those sensations struck like lightening from my eyes to my heart as I first drive by . And that's what I did..I drove by ...knowing I had some cash right beside me...and the voice of what I think most of us commonly call "reason" began its soliloquy . Are they authentic ? Is this actually a ploy to get drug money? There are programs to help these people...what is their REAL agenda? Is this even their child? Are they really even  a family? I consider myself an idealist ..and some have called me gullible , but I do have a suspicious voice which resonates inside my head more often than I might care to admit ...and that part of my nature would not be stilled .   I started to circle to leave the parking lot to exit ...but the hearts stings affixed to the sight tethered me back to where they stood . I knew my doubt and judgement of these people would haunt me all day if I simply drove home .

I returned to where they stood , parked my car ...quickly got out and introduced myself to them. I asked some details of their plight and their names so I could pray for them..I handed them a modest amount of legal tender ...asked what sort of work the man did. He stated he was an auto mechanic . He had lost his job lat month, rent for this month was past due . We exchanged no further details but I could sense  his anger and frustration and victimization. Very heartwarming to see other citizens of the realm walk by them and hand them cash...cans of food... A drink box of juice for the little boy. We here in irvine are great at our projects and causes ...but this was the real deal ...People emerging from their infamous irvine emotional sequestering from poverty and dispair and responding in anonymity to a cry of need . I think in some ways this was the biggest blessing of all to the whole matter .

There is nothing especially good or noble about me in this experience today,  and willing as I am to see and learn lessons even in writing  this I feel I am more than a bit of a narcissist .  the noble ones are these three beggars ...no matter the what  Or why of what brought them to it today ..and might again tomorrow. Their true reasons are  none of my concern . They have the servants heart ...not I . This sounds obsequious I know ..but I could not mean this more ...I had bright vibrant visions today of the less lofty parts of myself ...I say this  humbled and with gratitude...

I returned to my car instantly  grateful for the opportunity of a teaching  moment  lavished upon me. Grateful I overcame the voice of reason..for it was due to a benevolent Patient Holy Lord ...so greater than myself .that  the following has  flooded my awareness in the short drive home and since ....I have been to this place of desperate and nearly ready to beg for money for my family.  one day about 20 years ago and even recently ..I considered standing at the 405 amd Jamboree exit ready to hand out Stephen's resume or hold my own sign imploring help with rent . and knew the unique agony and the  fear of not being able to provide all I wished to for my children...even right here in 25 years of living in idyllic irvine with all the best of every opportunity having been lavished at my feet and  regretfully and now, repentively, much of it squandered  ..., I've had my own hidden agendas in life and love and other bonds ...I've lived through job loss ...that was due to my own errors amd deficits in character ...I've conjured surruptitious plots to advance my cause of one form or another  .ive begged God and humans alike to fix things for me ...audibly or in silence .. for what I feel I want and need

feeling a great big helping on my plate held out of "woe is me" ..and  yet .....no matter .....God ..The God Who Saves...  has provided me with so much grace and miraculous tangible provision I am
presently living  in awe of these things  every hour of every day. ...and in the days to come...I need to
Reach out of myself ...no further indulgent  self assessment dialectic needed ...I just need to reach out ...and allow God to use me to help more and freely.... in prayer  word and deed.

olympic tarnished gold

i most usually use this blog space for introspection/self evaluation/...confession and emotional overspill...but the last few days a rant of sorts has been burgeoning in my brain...and i decided to set it free by airing it in this place~

the thoughts i am about to express are likely NOT....going to be popular, and i am fairly certain would likely invoke the indignation of many...but i am indifferent to opinion here, as i plunge head first into the iconoclastic sea....

i find the present winter olympic games taking place in Sohci, frivolous and banal, and i am starting to think olympic games as they are presently crafted, should be discontinued entirely.

there is no point in dwelling too deeply within the inherent security risks. they do seem to be more candidly discussed and revealed in these olympics, but the olympic games presenting as a target for violent political statements and aggressive terrorist agendas, has been a clear a present danger for decades. i would have been completely supportive for the olympics being called off this year in general, and as the stage was being set weeks ago, the fear of some completely atrocious act of violence violating the olympic games this year was enough of a reason in my mind,  for  calling for an end to the games altogether.

as things have proceeded, and the events and days of the games marched by, i have had my primary concerns about feeling the games simply were not worth the risk, grown even more large due to other issues not having anything to do with terrorism whatsoever.

it is more really...that the games , to my view, have become diminished as classically competitive or demonstrative of excellence between countries and individuals, and have more become about personal ego. replacing the ancient spirit of testing the limits of human endurance and disciplines, many events are now abundantly comprised of perfectly ridiculous events that serve no greater purpose than to demonstrate how willing an individual is to be a dare-devil than truly an athletic competitor.  many of the "athletes" who have won medals in these events appear to be purely in it for themselves, not their country. they seem like adolescents at often dangerous play, even though many of them are in late 20's and 30's.  when they win ,they resemble spoiled children who just pushed someone out onto the floor and been declared the winner in a perverse game of musical chairs, more than a competitor who has persevered and triumphed within a respectable discipline. moreover,. hundreds of thousands of dollars...giving way to hundreds of million dollars spent, (or squandered by my view) are spent by the host country, the teams of each country, and by individuals themselves. and to what end? and to what example to future generations?

the money spent on opening and closing ceremonies alone, could probably end world hunger for at least a few months time if not longer as the the propaganda of the country take the world stage.  the construction of the competitive fields, equipment, clothing, transportation cost, "training" etc could also so be utilized in a more useful and altruistic as well as practical manner to benefit the citizens of this planet.. events such as free style skiing, snow boarding events  that are essentially something that looks like a skate board park made of ice, and the infamous skeleton, are unnecessarily dangerous, and do not demonstrate much more than to what level of recklessness some individuals are prone and  willing to devote their lives and significant resources . i do not blame these individuals for their attitude and sense of entitlement to such indulgence. they are only responding to what the crowd will "pay"....if someone would pay me to cultivate my penchants and avoid the mantel of common day responsibilities and travails...i likely would do it too.and i do not doubt that many of them do feel a pride and loyalty to our country, or whatever country from which they hail...but they are not expressing it with any moving or uplifting form of social conscience,or awareness, nor care for any larger humanitarian view other than personal pride.

true, there are all sort of activities and frivolities that take place every hour of ever day. we purchase things, surround ourselves with comforts
 that could, and often should, go to toward a greater good. however these things to not take place on the world stage, for so many days in succession, and at such an "international" level, at at such acclaim.

i could go on...and on about this..and i shall not. i think i have adequately expunged my primary contention with the modern day olympic games. and i know my words espoused here will not create any change or promote any particular enlightenment...and i long ago accepted my impotence in bringing any meaningful change to the planet at large.  it has been sad for me on a personal level , though, to feel about the olympic games this year very much as the way i view the wars in which we find our country engaged....supportive of the troops, but not supportive of the reason nor the manner....in which they "fight"~

not lost perhaps...but floundering~

i am completely astonished to discover just now...as i peeked into this blog after being given a gift yesterday that is inscribed with the quote i use to name it,  ...that it has been over a year since my last post~ 
i am let down by the realization that i felt so committed at that last entry to write  here on a regular basis...and the opportunity to record my thoughts throughout this time, and use them for personal growth and hopefully some public good....has slipped through my "fingers"....and awareness~

in some ways ...this realization is an accurate portrayal of this last year of my life. i reflect upon it as i sit here...and although i find myself especially travel weary from this last year's daily living, i cannot claim any great progress of the journey of my mind or spirit~ worlds of thoughts as words swirl in my head every day of every hour i am even partially awake, and yet they are now even less than vapor,  evaporated within the "collective unconscious"~ the chance to change and evolve from them....gone...poof!

although my awareness is heightened in some aspects of life, such as being able to envision the possibility of a more abundant life spiritually, intellectually , altruistically, artistically, they are rendered inert~  inspiration and intention that is left untouched by action.  in some ways i think i have actually regressed in the progression of my life from an emotional and tangible perspective. by this i mean i am having significant flashes of less than beautiful emotions such as emotional jealously, short shortsightedness, and feelings of being overwhelmed. my anxiety is on high alert almost all the time, which leaves me nothing but exhausted at the end of each day, and wanting to escape some of my circumstances and challenges... and when i look to the future it appears sometimes like a mine field littered with my failures and my fears~ this is influencing my present...and i have decided right this moment...this is completely unacceptable!

i am not anywhere near to being as mature nor as secure, emotionally, spiritually, financially or otherwise~ nor accomplished as a sage in any areas of my life as i thought i would be by this time~ and although i feel my heart is often in the right place, my general lack of action and the inconsistency of my focus on a daily basis is somewhat disappointing. 

i still speak when i should not , concerning this or that.., and remain silent and in retreat when i should rise to action about an injustice or cause.  i find myself becoming more fear filled about everything, be it my health, the health of those i love, the world in general, and all the other myriad of things i cannot control. my real and daily world is becoming far too small.i used to be a complete "news hound" and sometimes now, i avoid it all together as it feels all too sad and upsetting and i feel useless to do anything but observe.  the logistics of my life are also becoming minimized.  i have to completely force myself to even want to drive or be driven anywhere that is at all unfamiliar or feels "dangerous" and i am seemingly content to miss experiences rather than deal with the inherent danger of travel among drivers who seem to be proceeding at too great a speed, or just aggressive and discourteous, and i find proceeding on the freeways or in any large crowd unpleasant and sometimes intolerable. i hate myself for the way this limits my experiences, and the malaise it encourages.

i am more aware and highly sensitized than ever to the fragility of human life. there is no lacking in the aspect that my heart is exceedingly grateful....so much so lately i often find myself in tears even when just driving down the street ....or at work, should a particular thought or memory cross my mind that manifests my love and care for someone, of theirs ever or now, for me~ i need to use this proclivity i have for emotional intensity for empowerment toward happiness...not just allow it to make me melancholy. i don't want to retreat to the perverse comfort of creating crisis out of less than ideal circumstances..i don't want to squander love or continue to complacently place any of my gifts and talents and passions on the inaction bookshelf. i love bookshelves...i love the way they look and i am content to view them, filled up with some books that are just for show, and not ever on my "have read list"....but this is not an "ok" metaphor for the composition of my ever fleeting life~  

sometimes i feel it would most accurate to describe myself as 16 going on 80...and neither are accurate nor acceptable~....what is to be done?....with all this introspection?.....

i am not sure this moment...but i think i need to identify one small baby step forward as 2014 presents itself one week from today...and take it. i am at a fork in my own road...i can feel it....but i cannot allow it to sweep me off  into the  river rapids of life any longer...floating and sometimes drifting beneath the surface, gasping......i want a prayer life and relationship with God that is more than please God please God, please God, whew thank you God! ..i need to climb upon a raft..and navigate my wandering before i truly am...lost~......more to follow.....